Chapter Nine 9

That day if it wasn't because Bob Rodriguez spoke perfect Spanish, I would've never been hired as a carpenter helper in that company. I remember that day being an exceptionally hard day at work, and it was mentally very hard too. It was mentally hard because I was forced to understand English being spoken very fast. At the end of that day I remember being completely exhausted, and when we went to the container where we used to store all the tools, Bob Rodriguez told Bob Maureen that I was going to be the one hired for the job unless he had something to say about it. Bob Maureen didn't like my performance at all, but the job was done fast, with good quality, and with only two minor mistakes on my part, so they started arguing. Soon they escalated the argument, and they went at it like I had never seen before in my life. That day for the first time in my life I saw two guys screaming at each other to the top of their lungs, face to face, even using foul language, and they didn't punch each other. At that moment I thought, "What kind of fight is that?! Are they fighting?" I didn't know what to do, and I was thinking, "Are they arguing because of me? That was the last thing I wanted to happen on my first day of work." I wished at the time that I could understand what they were saying, but they were talking so fast that I couldn't keep up with their pace. At the end I kind of understand that if he didn't like me, he could use the other helper when he needed a hand. He could use the labor guy from Jamaica-he spoke better English than me. That day Bob Maureen was completely pissed. He turned around, put his head down, and kick the ground as he was walking away, mumbling and swearing out loud. I thought after that argument I was a "gonner," but no, I wasn't. Bob Rodriguez after that heated discussion, calmed as if he was listening to Classic Music, come over where I was, and he started talking to me like nothing happened. He said to me, "Don't worry he just like to piss and moan." He switched languages and said to me in Spanish, "Keep learning English man. Since I met you, you have made a lot of progress English wise. Keep it up. There are people that have been in this country for more than 25 years, and they don't speak a word of English. They don't speak half of what you already do, and instead of trying to adapt to our culture they want to turn America into whatever their country was. Anyhow welcome to the brotherhood of Carpenters where "one hand washes the other." Let me tell you something. Last thing before you go bro, "You are here in the U.S., but not really. The day you really get here to the U.S. will be the day you learn how to speak English. Remember that!" I said, "Thanks Bob, I am not sure what you really mean with that, but I will not forget that you told me that. Thanks Bob. See you later gator."
I still remember those words and he was right. Those words are true. Once you learn to speak English, most likely you are able to understand the American culture as well, and that means you can not only speak English, you can think in English too. Thanks Bob Rodriguez for the opportunity you gave me, and where ever you are now, I wish you're doing well.
That is how I started working as a carpenter helper 20 years ago here in the U.S., and since then I have been always very grateful of these guys help. After working with them I knew that I could find a job as a Painter or as a Carpenter Helper. Two trades that I could earn my ends meet with, and with that my chances to find work double for me. That gave me a sense of security, and for me that was a sign that I was living in a real democracy, because once you have a way to make a living regardless of color, race or religion you can say you are free, as long as your work allows you to pay for your minimum basics needs, you can declare yourself a free person. That day I gave thanks to God, because of my good luck.
In my mind I always remember that Jesus was the son of a carpenter, and I always thought that if God sent Jesus as a carpenter, there must be a greater spiritual reason for that, "Spirit over Matter." And to be learning that trade for me was very inspiring. I really like the idea of becoming a Carpenter.
After that experience of finding a job just like that, I thought, "What a different way of seeing life. Now I better forget everything about my cultural background, and I should relearn a new way of common sense." That argument between the two Bob's got me baffled. Almost didn't make sense for me, but I realized that here in the U.S. people were not afraid to speak their minds.
I said, "Now I can find a job very quick or I am being extremely lucky." Honestly I didn't pay much attention to that at the time, but I knew right then, that my chances of staying here in the U.S. had at least doubled. At that moment I remembered the words, "Where ever you go, do as you see." and I said to God, "Let it be your will and not mine."
Everything here in the U.S. was so different, so much better, that it was hard for me to believe it. I was experiencing I guess what is called a Cultural-Shock. Back in my country a painter or a carpenter helper were pretty much people living in the streets. And not only that, here in the U.S. they even had cars, and they were treated as equal.
About a week and a half of working as a carpenter helper, Bob asked me to fill up a job application, "… so they could cut me a check for the hours I have already worked." I said to Bob, "… In all honesty I do not have a Social Security." I asked him, "It's that a problem?" At that moment my heart was on my throat, and I didn't know what to expect, but I was not going to tell him a lie, not to him. He said to me, "I know that you and probably the majority of the people that works here don't have papers, but between you and me, I don't care about that, as long as you are an honest and a hard-working individual, that's all I care about. Do you love this country?" Yes I said, "I do love this country, and every day a little bit more." Bob asked me, "Why don't you just lie like everybody else does, and I pretend that I believe it? Just put in there any number with nine digits and that's it." I said, "I don't like to lie, and especially to you Bob. I thank you for the opportunity, and my family thanks you as well. Thanks." He looked at me straight in the eye, and I knew he was tempted to ask me more questions or he was thinking something on the lines: Are you serious? He was tempted to ask me more questions, but he didn't. Maybe he had nothing good to say, and like a good American that he was, "If you don't have anything good to say…" Why somebody in my situation wouldn't lie to him? Would've that made a difference? I was breaking the law anyways. Now I look back and makes no sense, but that is how I use to think back then. I used to think that if for any reason I got caught by immigrations, at least they would not have evidence in paper that I was lying to get a job here in the U.S.
At that time my visa was expired already, because after the first six months my tourist visa was renewed for another six months, but after that, I didn't renew it again. I didn't renew my visa because I was short on money. I knew that what I was doing was not by any means legal, and I felt like a thief, but so far, I was just a trespasser after warning, kind of. In the other hand it was fun to be here. At least here in the U.S. something was happening in my life. The alternative would've been being back in my country, living with my mom, and watching TV all they long waiting for something to happen day after day, month after month, and year after year, most likely.
I was twenty-seven-years old and I was a young man full of life. I felt the urge to be able to declare my own independence, and I was willing to work for it. I thought God was looking after me, and regardless of the legalities, I had faith that God understood why I wanted to stay here. I just wanted to be in a place where I had legal rights, and a way to make a living. I was looking for a way to have some stability so I could think in the true possibility of having a family. For me, if I couldn't have a stable job, I should not even consider myself able to have a family. How could I? You cannot leave out of good intentions and faith. With good intentions and faith you don't get to feed a baby or pay your bills.
I was living at that time one pay check away from being homeless. I was living at the very edge of being in the streets. I was in a very different society where I was nothing but an illiterate. I was working as hard as I humanly could, just trying to survive one day at the time. It was really hard for me physically and mentally, but I didn't care. For me just to have the blessing of living in a true democracy made it all worth it. In my mind it was all about living in a place where you as a human have rights regardless of your social status or the color of your skin. This was the place where whatever happened to me, nobody will search my house just because I looked suspicious or because I had a different religion. I thought, "Here in the United States there was a thing called, "The Rule of Law" and nobody was above the law. Here in the U.S. atrocities like the ones I went through back in my country will never happen ever again!" So I thought and I use to say, "Now I am in the United States of America. I am in the greatest democracy on earth. Here even if I am an illegal worker at list I have human rights."
All of the sudden I had to learn a new language, a new culture, and I had to learn my way around in a brand-new humongous city for me. All of the sudden I had to work between sixty to eighty hours a week to barely made it, but I was making it on my own. It was a big change for me but I was young, and for me all this was like a big adventure in my life. All in all I had everything at the moment to be happy, and should've been the happiest time of my life, and in a way it was, but at the same time I was buried with worries about how am I going to provide ends meet in a steady manner for Sebastian and Veronica. To be able to provide for them was the top of my priorities at the time, and I never felt before so much responsibility over my shoulders. In a way I had faith that somehow someway something was going to happen and everything was going to be just right.
Truth was I was no longer myself, I can look back now to that moment in my life and realize that I was lost. Looking back now, probably what I should've done was to call the quits right there and then. We should've grabbed our bags and go back home all of us, right there and then, but we didn't, and I was leading the show. For me at the time being here in the U.S. was matter of do or die, learn English or else. For me it was a challenge, and I do like challenges. Honestly I was too busy trying to learn how to become a carpenter, how to be a father, and how to survive one day at a time in a complete strange country, that for me being in here was something like, "One more day here in the U.S., one more free English lesson." So many things were happening at the same time, that I completely forgot who I was.
At work, I was learning the international building code in every phase of the construction process, and it was really fun for me to be learning that. I knew right then that what I was learning was something that I could use for the rest of my life.
I was so busy learning all these new stuff that my ego was completely gone. I used to care so much about what I was wearing, the brand name and such, but now all that was gone. Who was I? Whom or what have I became? At that time in my life honestly I didn't have a clue about who I was. I knew though that in the social scale, and especially here in the U.S., I was nothing but a stray dog, I was at the bottom of the food chain. I knew I was poor and I had no money, and on top of all that, now I didn't even had a country that I could call my own. The only thing I had at the time was a whole bunch of dreams, a girlfriend, and a son. The only thing for sure was that I knew I loved them very much.
About that time I was starting to realize that no matter what I did here in the U.S. or there back in Chile, whatever money I made here or there was not enough money to support a family. At that time in my life, I was living in a constant stressful situation, and my question at the time was, "How long can I keep this going on? It will be there a job for me tomorrow? What would happen if I can't find a job in less time than a week? What if I run out of money for gas, and I became stranded?" That idea every time it came to my mind gave me the chills, chills down my spine. Many nights a lost my sleep thinking about it, but regardless of my fears, life kept going as usual for a little while, and I tried my best to provide for my family. So far up to that point we were making it, barely but we were making it, we were surviving one day at a time. I was walking the edge, pushing the envelope a little too far. Sometimes I look back and I just wonder, "How I was able to go through all that. So many bad things could've had happened." At that time in my life I was a young boy full of dreams, I was for sure a fool full of dreams, a naïve person thinking that nothing could go wrong in a country like this one.
One of those days about six months after Veronica and Sebastian got here, I got home and they had something to tell me, something happened to Sebastian at school and they wanted to talk to me about it.
At school in recess time he got bullied and a kid put his hand inside his pants, and tried to stick his finger up his bum. After I heard that, I asked him if he was okay or if his bum hurts. I asked him, "Are you hurt? Are you okay? He said, "No dad I am not hurt. Don't worry. I defended myself and I told the teacher, and the teacher said that it will never happen again." The teacher took matters on her hands, and assured to Veronica that something like that will never happen again, and if for any reason something were to happen to let her know right away.
I was glad that nothing happened, but now, I was worried more than ever. Inside of me something clicked after that moment. I thought to myself, "Do I really know where am at? Is my recklessness putting Sebastian in harm's way?"
After the realization that I was playing with fire I thought, "If I care about them I need to stop playing with their lives like if it was money in a casino. If I don't have a way to assure their safety, and if I do care about them, I needed to send them back." I thought, "If I get caught by immigration, what's going to happen to them." I remembered Mike's words telling me, "Over there in the U.S. don't ask me for money. Things in the U.S. can get very serious. Things over there are not like what you see on TV. I can give you a hand when you get there, but after that you are on your own, and if immigration ask me if I know you? I don't know you!" I did remember that, and I got really worried. I got worried to the point that I decided to do something about it. I really didn't know what to do at that moment, because honestly, my sincere intentions when I brought them here were really good. I thought that here for the three of us was the place to pursue happiness, but I was starting to have serious second thoughts.
That was an epiphany, a realization that one more time I was dreaming. I was in complete denial of the truth that here I was nothing. On one side that was true for some people, and for others as far as I knew, they were happy to have somebody willing to work hard for this country. Up to that moment I have met so many wonderful people here in the U.S. that I was in love with this country. On the other hand I shouldn't be here working illegally. I really didn't know what to do, things were not clear, but one thing I was sure about, at that moment I needed to make a decision about my relationship with Veronica and I, because things were not working out between us. She was not happy. I was not happy and now I just remember Mike's words, "This is not a very good neighborhood." Now on top of all that I had to go to work thinking, "What about if something happens to Sebastian? What would I do if something bad happens to him? Wouldn't that be my fault?" For sure I had lost my peace of mind, and since that moment on, I realized that the possibility of something bad happening was real, and it was as real as it gets. Like it or not I had to admit things were not going well for the three of us. At that moment I realized that this entire situation was a failure, and it felt like a failure too, that's for sure.
At work was a different story though. Bob Rodriguez told me that I was doing a pretty good as a carpenter helper, and that soon I was going to get a raise. At work every time he gave me a task for me to do, he was showed me how to use a new tool, and how things were done here in the U.S. That was great for me. He told me how to use tools that I have never seen before. He showed me how to use routers, airless nail guns, the jigsaw, and one tool that became really quick my favorite of all: The saw-saw. As soon as I learned what it does and how to use it, I thought, "No more hand sawing for me. Alright!" I have been cutting my whole life wood and metal by hand, and trust me cutting wood and metal by hand is not fun at all! Bob was teaching me how to use tools that you use them once, and you start to wonder, "How you ever went by without them." All those tools made my job so much easier, and the quality of the work was so much better. I was really happy to be working in this new trade, and I was learning how to do things the American way. Sometimes like he put it, "You need to learn to do things like white people do." I remember at the time that all those tools were so expensive for me, and I was lucky to have the privilege to learn how to use them. With tools like those everything became so much easier to do, and I was having fun working with them. Sometimes I had to use Bob Maureen's tools, and he did complain to Bob that I was making money with his tools, but Bob Rodriguez always found a way around his complaints. At the time I found everything so expensive here in the U.S. I was still making the translation from Dollars to Pesos all the time in my mind.
One of those days at work Bob Maureen spent the whole morning trying to fix a lock on a front door of one of the most expensive houses in the whole project. He worked all morning long on that door and for some reason he couldn't fix it. He had a lot of carpentry skills, but had no patience at all. Something in the front door was not working properly, and the door didn't close the way it should. After Bob Maureen gave up Bob Rodriguez-by then I considered him my friend already-he called me, showed me the door, and asked me, "Can you fix these door? Can you?" I said, "I think I can"
Bob Rodriguez left his truck with all the tools with me and said, "…see if you can fix the door please. Take your time." It took me an hour and a half to fix the double front door. After I was done with them, they closed just like they were intended. I have never seen such a beautiful and expensive doors ever before. They were made out solid Oak, and had a big oval glass on the center. Before that moment I had only heard about Solid Oak doors, but never worked on one of them. For me was a test, and it was a challenge. I had fun fixing them.
The problem was hard to find, but I just had to correct the inside working space on the mortise for the lock. I had to give the right space to the hardware for the lock to work properly, and that was it. Parts of the mortise in the door needed to be chisel out very carefully, a bit here, and a bit there. In order to fix that you needed a lot of patience, and there was no power tool to fix that. You had to do it by hand, and that was just like I was used to do things back in my house, just using nothing but a hammer and a wood chisel. Just like in the good old times for me.
After I finish the doors they were very surprised, they didn't expect me to solve that problem. Actually after that incident Bob Maureen's attitude completely changed with me, and seems like from that moment on I earned his respect. After that he started talking to me in a more friendly tone, and he started to take the time to explain me how things were made here in the U.S. From that moment on was fun to work with him, and they used to love to crack me up with old racist jokes like, "One time an Angel from heaven was bore, and he stud right behind a white guy that was rowing on his small boat down the river, and he was counting the strokes one, two, three, four, and one, two, three and so on and so forth. The Angel while seated behind the guy he thought, "What about if I take the right part of this guy's brain out?" and he did. The guy started counting one, three, five, seven, and one, three, five and so on so forth. Then the Angel took the left part of this guy's brain, and the guy started counting two, four, six, eight, and two, four, six and so on and so forth. Right after the Angel thought, "What about if I take the whole brain out, all at once?" and the Angel did. The guy started counting Uno, Dos, Tres, Cuatro, y Uno, dos, tress…" I laughed so hard. They were having fun with me, because every old joke they knew, it was totally new for me. We started having a lot of fun working together after I fixed that expensive front door.
After that moment everything work-wise started going pretty good, and the work atmosphere instead of being dense and tens, started to be nice and fun. Actually I remember the day that for the first time, Bob Maureen let me ride in his truck at lunchtime. That's how nice things started to be.
One of those days at lunch time they invited me over, and I sat on the back of his truck. I mean the back seat of his Chevy truck-a crew cab Silverado that he was so proud of. It was a beautiful truck, and brand spanking new. After we left the job site to go lunch, like about a block away from the project they stopped on the side of the road and light up a joint. I was so surprised like you couldn't believe it. They pass it up to me but I didn't smoke Pot, so I said, "I pass. No thanks." Before I got here to the U.S. I only have tried pot a couple of times before in my whole life, and every time I tried it, was just a puff and that was it. I didn't smoke Pot with them that day, but the second hand smoke was enough to get me going. I remember that day having an exceptionally good tasting lunch. At the same time I felt the rest of that day very calm. I felt some sort of peace of mind all over me. Even though nothing has changed, I was able to see everything clearer, and I was seeing things from a better point of view. I was able to concentrate in what I was supposed to be doing that day very well. I remember that day.
At that moment in my life I realized, that every single little thing that my father Luis taught me about carpentry, every single little thing was being very helpful, and I was using it in a daily basis. I realized that I was able to hold that job mainly because of him. Maybe he didn't have much patience, but at the end, I was glad that my dad Luis one way or the other taught me along with my brothers the little I knew about carpentry. With a lot of sacrifices my dad Luis was able to have a little shop on our backyard, and that way we all learned basic skills. Maybe he did that because he knew we were not going to have the money to send our broken stuff to the repair shop, I guess, I wish he was still alive to ask him. In the other hand I remembered as well my daddy Oscar. He built his whole house almost single-handed, so in a way he was a carpenter too. My dad Luis taught me about metric and standard measuring systems, so it didn't cost me a thing to learn how to use inches and feet instead of meters and centimeters. My dad Luis along the way with my older brothers taught me a lot about carpentry. They taught me how to do a lot of stuff related to carpentry, cars and motorcycles, and art as well. They all knew very well how to create beautiful little figures in a wooden lathe that my dad Luis always kept in the house. To do that, they used a beautiful wood typical of the fourth region of my country, and is called Guayacan-a beautiful wood with one exceptional characteristic. The wood of this sort of bush is so hard that you can do really fine and small pieces of art with it. The colors of this wood are yellow, and dark brown to almost black on the center.
At that time of my life I was glad about what my dad Luis had taught me, and at the same time I remember how much of a bipolar my dad Luis was. It was really hard to deal with him; he was a diabetic, and at a time where medicine was not as good as it is today. He could turn from nice to yelling and swearing out of control in a second.
For some reason that day I thought quite a bit about him. My dad Luis passed away when I was twenty-four-years old, and I didn't go to his funeral. By the time he passed away we didn't talk to each other, and I didn't want to have the look of his dead face as a memory of mine. He was such a bipolar. We had such a different point of view but all in all, in our family we all had a roof over our heads, and a plate of food on the table. I have to give him that. As I grew older I started to appreciate all of his sacrifices just to accomplish that. I remember for him being so hard to wake up in the mornings, just like me, and regardless he didn't skip or miss not even a day at work. In my head I was trying to get to terms with my dad, and as I was growing older. I was starting to understand a bit better where he came from every day more and more. I remember saying that day thanks dad, I never thought that to have a family you have to work so hard, and every day that goes by, I do appreciate your dedication to our family a bit more. Regardless I had a father. There is always worse. Rest in Peace my Old Man.
I remember he never had very good luck in his life, and he used to say every time in his life when something good was about to happen, but somehow someway it didn't happen. When that happened in his life he will say out loud, "Justo!" and he stretched the letter u for a bit, just like sometimes you hear Homer Simpson saying, "Don't" holding a bit longer the letter "o" My dad's "Justo! Moment" That bash of bad luck right in those crucial moments of his life like the time when he was about to live for the U.S., but something happen, and he couldn't come to the U.S. "Justo." That bad thing that happened always right at the last minute, and stopped him from having a better life, as he put it many times, "My life sucks!" Remembering his bad luck I was soon going to have one of those "Just!" moments. I remember he loved music and he used to sing along with my mom Mercedes. He loved music and his favorite singer was a famous opera singer named Errico Caruso, and he was able to sing along with him. I remember too one of his favorite tango singers was Carlos Gardel. One of his favorite songs was a song where the lyrics goes something like this-excuse the translation but you will get the idea: Imagine the tango rhythm, and remember this is a classic of Tango Music, "The world have been, and it will be rubbish and nothing else. It was rubbish on the eighteen hundreds, and passed the year two thousand still will be rubbish…" I don't know why at that moment I started to remember him so much, but I guess it was like a premonition of what was coming.
My "Just!" moment was about to happen in my life. At work everything was going just fine but "Just!" when I thought everything was okay, Bob came to me and said, "bro this project is about to slow down big time! We're going to have to let go some people, and if somebody can find another job, and leave this project go ahead, no hard feelings. Christmas is coming and by the middle of December, every single house in this project needs to be in the owner's hands. We are giving you 30 days in advance notice, so please take note."
And just like that, when I thought things were going my way, sort of, I found myself again in this limbo of not being able to earn a way to exist. That was for me the last straw that broke the camel's back. I was devastated by the news. Not now! Not now! I remember saying. I thought I was going to have at least good Christmas. Sebastian's first Christmas in the U.S. I wanted so bad to be a Christmas to remember for them, and I guess after all, it was going to be a Christmas to remember.
After Bob told me that I started looking for a job everywhere, but every single project was closing for the end of the year and Christmas time. At the same time I didn't understand very well what was going on, but I heard that we were bound for a major economic slowdown, especially in construction, and all over the country. Many people I knew and they were from Mexico they started going back to their countries, because Christmas was going to be a very slow working season here in Miami, and especially in the construction industry. That was exactly what I didn't need at that moment to happen "Just!"
Reality hit me really hard all of the sudden and one more time was obvious to me, that I had to accept the fact that I cannot have Veronica and Sebastian by my side. It didn't matter what I would've loved to happen or what I wanted to happen. It didn't even matter if I loved them or not, the only thing that really matter, was the fact that I just couldn't afford to have them by my side. Truth was, I really didn't know where I was. I didn't know what kind of place America really was. So far I have seen a lot of irregularities that in a well established democracy, those things shouldn't have to happen, like exploitation of minorities, and complete disregard for labor laws. At that moment I asked myself, "Was Sebastian in a good school? Was he safe? Out of all the things I had to be worried about, having to be worried about the safety of my son was something hard to bear. That was a very difficult reality to deal with, and I had to make a decision like it or not. Actually the decision was already made for me. As far as I was concerned life one more time was bigger than me and truth was, I was living an adventure, a real life adventure with real consequences, and I could not keep gambling with the future and safety of my son Sebastian. Sebastian for sure was at the top of my priorities, and I couldn't help to think about what was better for him. Where will he be better off? Here in the U.S., or back in his country?
I knew in a way that Sebastian's world at the time was all about super heroes, and here in the U.S. was the land where the Teenage Ninja Turtles lived, and he liked that very much, besides he really like to go to school. He was a happy little boy. He was very smart and I could tell he was happy by the side of his Dad and Mom. He was as happy as happy a kid should be, back in Chile his grandmother was a retired middle school principal, and she has worked her whole life as a teacher. His two aunts back there, they were both professionals one was an architect, and the other aunt a prominent professional Nurse, so regardless Sebastian back in Chile he had better chances to have a better education for sure.
His grandmother Margarita "Abby" was something very special, she was a woman full of love, well educated, and I knew for sure that she was missing him. Sebastian at the time was her only grandchild.
All those factors weighted heavily in my mind, and I would've loved for thing to be different, but like it or not, I had to accept the fact that I didn't have enough money to care for them, and if I only thought about Sebastian, Sebastian and nothing else, I knew he would be way better off back home with his grandma than here with me.
Veronica in the other hand she was not coping very well being in an empty house with no furniture, and not even curtains on the windows. On top of all that a house in Miami with no air conditioner was hard to in especially in summer time. Good thing the glasses at least were obscure, but not all of them. Here in the U.S. all her studies were nothing but a waste of time, and back in Chile she was a professional with a very prestigious degree from one of the best universities in the country. Here in the U.S. she was nothing but an illiterate and a cleaning lady at the most. Considering all these factors and knowing that time was at the essence, I started to think seriously about our future together here in the U.S.
Here in the U.S. anything could happen, and things could go from unstable to bad really quick. I needed to find out what could I do about this situation, because something was fundamentally wrong.
I have never felt so helpless in my life. I didn't even have the money to buy them a pair of tickets to send them back to Chile, and with cherry on top, if for any reason I couldn't find another job soon, I could easily end up on the streets. Having to imagine going through something like that, with a six year old boy by my side was an idea that started to look more and more like a nightmare for me, "Man, what a hard time that was."
Thinking about all if these in an act of desperation just out of a hunch, I called the airline and I explain the situation to them, and whoever this person was on the other side of the line, the one listening to my problems, I thank God even to this day, that she was there at that moment. She took the expired tickets and validates them so they were good once again for one more time. I gave thanks so much to that person that day. She found a way to do that and that person made sure that I understood the words, "These tickets are valid for one more time only, and you cannot make any changes or you will lose the tickets for good. Do you understand?" I still remember that she didn't speak Spanish, but she did the best she could to help me out. I had to give her a date and a time at that very moment, so without even talking to Veronica, I had to make the decision on the spot of when they were going back to Chile. The earliest date that they could go back to Chile ended up being the middle of November and that was only a few weeks away. After that call all of the sudden I had the tickets for them to go back to Chile, and they didn't even knew a thing about it. I felt terrible that day. I thought that was the best thing to do, but I didn't have the time to consult with Veronica about all of this, and now I had to find the courage to let them know. I knew right there that this one was going to be a good one, and talking about dropping a bomb unexpectedly. I felt like the biggest looser of all times, I thought, "What a loser!" That is how I felt in my mind and in my heart at that moment. I knew as well that the renting laws in Miami were completely merciless to say the least. No rent and you are out in the streets regardless. No rent money and you are out so in my mind I had no other choice.
I thought what about me and Veronica do I love her? Truth was I was in doubt. I was not sure if I love her at that moment, and because of all of those things going on at that time, I couldn't see clearly what was going on, but I thought, "If I was in doubt I was already out of love." Anyhow at that moment it didn't really matter what I felt, because what could afford was what really matter.
Before I talked to Veronica I needed to think about this seriously one more time, and I needed to think it over night, this situation was as serious as it gets. I gave myself my usual four days to think about it, and I gave myself an ultimatum like I usually do before I take a serious and final decision. Looking back I never loved a woman as much as I loved her, and I never had so much trouble in my life either. Before this experience in my life I use to be so certain of my convictions, but now I could barely figure it out. I thought about it for four days and four nights, and at the end of those four days I didn't want for things to end up like this, but there was nothing I could do about it. When you are poor it doesn't matter what you want, it doesn't matter what you feel, it doesn't matter what you wish, what's wrong or what's right, the only thing that matters is what you can afford.
Before I came to the U.S. back in my country I gave it a try and I realized that over there I couldn't afford to have a family, and here in the U.S. I gave it my all to see if I could afford to have the privilege of having a family but I could not. At that moment in my life I realized that the thrill of living a dream was gone. I realized as well that I was seeing one more time what I wanted to see, at that moment I realized that people is the same whatever you go. What kind of democracy will allow such a huge amount of employment laws violations, what king of democracy will allowed so many laws to be broken like I have seen with my own eyes. If the U.S. was true that an illegal immigrant can't work in the U.S. how come that even banks opened their doors to those illegal immigrants? How come, that even the banks got involved in this circle of corruption? It was hard to accept the truth, but I put myself together, and after those four days of thinking about what to do, I found the time and the courage to tell Veronica of my decision. Is hard to tell somebody that the road between us has ended, and it ends right here, you like or not, it is over. That was harsh from me to her, but what about me? What about Sebastian? In my heart I wanted to be there for him for the rest of my life. I didn't want to disappear out his life, but there I was, having to say goodbye to Sebastian like it or not. I know I could've gone back with them if I wanted, but not really. At that very moment I could not, because I didn't even have money for curtains much less for an Airplane ticket. It would've take me months to save for an airplane ticket, months before I could even think about going back to Chile, months.
At that moment my financial situation was very poor, and considering that, I thought, "I could rent a room, eat a dollar burger a day, and save money to buy me an airplane ticket. Now how long it will take me to save one thousand dollars if I'm making seven bucks an hour. Let's do the math and let's be realistic. let's assume that I am working thirty hours a week, considering some days with no work, and there will be weeks with overtime, right? Let's do the math: An average of 30 hrs a week at 7 dollars an hour totals $840 dollars coming in every month, minus taxes, lives me 700 hundred dollars free for the whole month if I'm lucky. And I need to save a thousand dollars for the ticket. Let say I do buy a burger and a bottle of Pepsy a day for thirty days, that is 60 dollars on groceries a month, four gas fill ups is 90 dollars. I need 200 dollars for the car payment, and 150 on Car Insurance. That gives me a budget of about 500 hundred dollar a month, so I could save realistically 200 a month. I need to work for five months before I can afford to buy a ticket, wait a minute, I forgot the beeper bill. How can I go to work if I don't have a beeper for my boss to call me? So minus another fifty dollar, at that moment I realized that I was trapped here in the U.S. Unless turned myself to "La Migra" and even on that case was known that no matter what they keep you in jail for at least three months. There I realized that "just!" Just to undo this predicament where I was, I needed to work exactly for 6.66 Months to save the money that I needed to take an airplane back to my country. I was from that moment six months away to see my boy again, and honestly at that moment, I didn't even know how much I loved him. I knew I love him but not how much I had not even a clue. Anyhow what king of a good father is the one that is not there for his children? I was really down at that moment of my life. I truly felt like failure. I knew very well how hard has been for me, not to have my daddy Oscar by my side, and I how much I have missed him my whole life, and now, I was pretty much voluntarily saying good bye to my son Sebastian.
Ironic was that I was saying goodbye to Sebastian, just about at the same age that my daddy Oscar disappeared out of my life. How ironic.
Maybe I could go back sooner, but I didn't know that for sure. For the moment I didn't even knew what was going to happen to me, and whatever it was, at least they were not going to suffer that with me, and I was glad about that. I knew that without a job I couldn't be here in the United States, and if I couldn't find another job soon, I most likely ended up out in the streets very quick. Like in every big town everybody is so busy with their own survival, that there is no time or logic in lending a hand to a stranger.
At that moment in my life I realized that I was trapped in a big scale exploitation scam, where everybody was involved. I realized at the same time that what I was doing legally wise was very serious, and on the other hand how come that there was so many people doing the same thing. I could not understand that, I guess I was in disbelieved or denial, I don't know, but there I realize how much of a shmuck I was, and how clueless I was. I was back then a clueless naive young man that once believed in such a thing as a nation ruled by the rule of law, with justice for all and Democracy.
Even Bob at work asked me, "What happened to that smile in your face?" The smile in my face it was gone. That happy person that once escaped oppression, and landed in the best and the greatest democracy on earth, that boy was dead, "There is no rest for the wicked."
Veronica and I, we talked a lot about it, but it was final. They were going back to Chile. I was breaking up with Veronica, and that meant that I was breaking up with Sebastian as well. That little unresolved issue about what was Sebastian for me was really driving me insane. What was Sebastian for me now? An ex-son? That little unsolved puzzle really felt hard and heavy in my heart. At that time in my life I was drowning in bad thoughts and feelings, I had no hope left in my heart. Not any more. For the first time in my life I felt like I couldn't care less either. I couldn't provide for my family and the only thing I was able to see, was a very unhappy woman at home, and I was not happy either. I felt like a good for nothing.
By that time what got me out of my bed in the morning, was not the wish of living the American dream, that dream was dead, but what got me out the bed was pretty much my new daily habit. A habit that I pick up here in the U.S. and that was a cup of coffee and a doughnut. How pathetic but true. That was what got me going in the mornings now. My new tradition was a good cup of coffee and a cake doughnut at Dunkin Doughnuts. All my life I used to drink tea and now I was drinking black coffee and a cake doughnut. I was able to order my coffee okay, and my English was doing a little better. That was the only thing that was okay after all. No matter what, I could say I was speaking English, broken English at the time, but English nonetheless. That made me feel like at least like not everything was a loss.
Sometimes I felt so embarrassed of myself trying to speak English, and sometimes I hear myself talking like a child often does. You know? Like a child in the process of learning a new language you need to speak it, you need to talk that language as much as you can. If you don't speak what you already know and practice it, you lose it. Sometimes people laughed at me because of what I said sometimes came out funny, but at the same time they did appreciate the fact that at least I was trying. It was embarrassing at times, but I swallowed my pride, and kept practicing English as much as I could, and there was an English lesson free of charge in every corner. Thanks God for that!
Talking about God since I can remember, giving thanks to God before I eat my food has been always a well regarded tradition of mine. My daddy Oscar always said grace before eating, and for some reason I always remember that. I believed that you should bless your food before you eat it. I have not always done that but here in the U.S., I found myself blessing my food all the time, in a way coming over here I found myself closer to God. At the same time unbelievably aware of all the Evil present in the world as well. I say that because I have never seen a house of a person that practice and worships the Devil ever before in my life, but here in the U.S., one day I went with Bob to a project where they had to do some warranty work, and it was in a house sold less than a year ago. On this house I saw for the first time in my life the house of a Devil's worshiper. I remember being afraid of going inside at first, but then I realized that as a professional, I needed to learn to handle this kinds of situations. After all if I had faith that there is only one living God, I should not be afraid. I remember doing the job really fast, I remember I felt the whole time like somebody was watching me over my shoulder, and almost breathing on my neck. An old lady-the owner of the house-offered me something to drink. She said, "What would you like to drink, water or iced tea?" I said ice tea, and then she brought me over a very dark red ice tea. I looked like blood really, and I was not going to drink it at first. Then I thought of God and my faith, and I got really thirsty. I thought, "I am just being an idiot" and I drink the tea. The lady was a very nice person, and I had a very good day that day.
One of those days at lunch time before my meal I said grace, and when I started blessing my food, giving thanks to the one like always I choked, I choked not with the food, I choked with a tear in my eye that closed my throat. I choked in the word God. At that very moment I saw the memory of Sebastian playing basketball outside the house with me, playing in that driveway of that old house that I fixed with my own bare hands, and I saw myself playing with him. At the same time I saw the look on his face when I took him for the first time to Toys"R"us, I still cannot forget that look in his face. At that moment in my life, I wish I could have the meanings to continue writing more of those good memories, but I could not afford that, and I said to myself, "Keep learning more English, give some more time to yourself and then decide what to do. There is nothing you can do about it right now." I thought it was the best advice I have given to myself in a long time, and I said to myself, "Take it easy. Let the storm pass you by, and once the dust settles, then decide what to do." Like the American culture says, "let go and move on." Easier said than done though, but that was the plan. At the same time I remember asking myself, "Why I choked with the word God." I just kept driving and I didn't pay much attention to that.
I got to work that day and I found me something to do right away. I wanted to be busy doing something with my hands, because once I started doing something with my hands, I was able to put my mind at ease. Being at work gave me peace of mind, because I knew that at that moment, I was doing everything I could, and I was in the place I was supposed to be. For me it was a moment of peace. There it was nothing else I could do anyways, and I was doing all I could do. While working I found solace looking at the pieces of wood. They were taking their place with no complaints, and I, in a way, I was crying like a baby, because I could not accept the truth that I was nothing but a schmuck. Here or there it didn't matter, "Tell me how much do you have, and I'll tell you who you are." I realized at that moment that I had nothing, not even a country that I really could call mine. I looked at the pieces of wood and I asked myself, "Why don't you learn to be happy with what you have, and just live the moment without thinking about it." I said to myself, "Don't think about it, just keep going, just like the piece of wood take your place in this world and do not complain."
At home the situation was very tense to say the least. One of those nights I was lying down in the same bed with the person that I just broke up with a couple weeks ago, and it felt like torture. I felt terrible and there it was nothing I could do. I didn't even have a couch where I could sleep. I had to be in the same bed with Veronica like it or not. Since I told her about the tickets she became my ex-girlfriend, and we talked to each other mainly out of respect for Sebastian and that was it. Even if I didn't want to do that, I had to sleep right by her side. That night I shed a tear and I realize that I have not been praying for a while, for the first time in my life I realized that I was losing my faith, and at that moment I couldn't care less if there was a God or not.
One of those days prior to Veronica's trip back to Chile I made it to work extra early and nobody was around, no security guard, nothing. I was parked right in front of a house that we were waiting for the tile to be finished in the kitchen countertop, and this type of countertop was just like the one I started doing in the kitchen of my house, but of course, I didn't have the money to buy the tile and finish it. I thought, "I could pay part of the rent if I ever finish that countertop, part of the rent if not the whole month worth of rent. While sitting in my car waiting for the rest of the guys, I realized that the tile delivery guy had left the boxes of tile in the dirt between the sidewalk and the curve. I don't know what happened to me at that moment, I guess my inner Chilean kicked in on me or something, but I got out of the car very quick without even thinking about it. I put the boxes of tile inside the trunk of my car, and I closed the trunk, got back inside my car at normal speed, acting like nothing happened. I looked around and nobody was there, nobody saw me. That day I took the boxes of tiles and I found me something to do at home. I don't know what Veronica told Sebastian back then, but even he was upset at me, and things at home were not going well. I couldn't wait until that situation was over.
Days passed by and nobody even noticed that the boxes of tile were missing. About a week after that day, Bob came over and told me, "Could you believe these guys!" I said, "What guys?" Bob said, "The tile delivery guys. They should've delivered the tile days ago, and I call them to ask them what was going on with the tiles, and they said that they already delivered the tile last week. I told them that there was no tile here, and I argued with them for a while on the phone. At the end they decided that they were going to deliver the tiles over here tomorrow morning. Man can you believe these guys? I have been here all week long, and nobody has delivered anything. I even looked around throughout all the houses to see if they have delivered the tiles to the wrong house or something but no. Now because of that I'm going to be late for the inspection on that house. You know that I am the one responsible to pass all the inspections right?" Bob was upset, but he didn't even suspected or mentioned that the tiles could've have been stolen, and I said to him, "Yup I know Bob that you are the one responsible to make sure that all these houses pass all the inspections on time. I know Bob take it easy man. I'm glad that they solved the problem so quick for you, so you can have the final Walked Through soon." We did talk for a few like always and he left. After he left I realized that I have been talking back to him like nothing ever happened, just like if I didn't have a clue of what happened to the tiles. I was so surprised of myself, and I said to myself, "What a hypocrite!" Honestly at that moment I didn't know I had it in me. Believe it or not up to that moment in my life, I could see that as a young man I believed with all my heart that there was a Living God, a God who knew if you have been knotty or good, and I was twenty seven years old, actually closer to twenty eight back then, when this happened and that was the first time in my life that I could say I did acted with such disregard. What a "Hypocrite"
That day at work I acted like nothing ever happened, and I knew nothing about it, but on my way home I started thinking about, and I knew that I was in need; I was poor; I was going through hard times, but that was not an excuse to steal and become a thief. I genuinely tried to be an ass, but I could not. One thing is coming over here to the U.S. and staying a bit longer than allowed, and another totally different thing was to become a thief. I was a trespasser after warning maybe, but not a thief.
Like I said I tried to be an ass, but I couldn't. So a few days later, when I found the right time and the right moment, I talked to Bob and I apologized to him for what I've done. I said to him, "I'm really sorry, I am going through hard times emotionally as well as financially, and I sort of got confused, I guess, I don't know what happened to me when I did that, but whatever it was is not an excuse to steal, especially from the same place where they are giving me a way to earn my ends meet. Sorry. I want to pay for it, just let me know how much is it, and I will make it right to you. I will pay you back the money for those tiles. I am sorry." It was really hard for me having to say that to Bob, but I did. I apologized and asked him to keep it quiet. I was already embarrassed enough and I said to him, "It won't happen again." He was pissed mainly because of the delay on the schedule to pass the inspections, but he accepted my apologies.
Later that day he did get back to me, and said, "You know what? Is very difficult to make changes right now paperwork wise, I don't even know what papers I will have to fill up. Let's just pretend that you never told me about the tiles, and no hard feelings. Anyways those guys owed me a lot of business, and anyhow they had shorted me on some orders of tile a few times before, a box of tile here, and a box of tile there, you know? We can call it even and screw them! Karma it is. Them fuckers!" He smiled at me and said, "You are a fucking good liar, you've got me fooled there for a while. I'm going to get you back bitch!" He smiled at me and as he turned around and got on his little red Mazda truck, he said, "Have a good day! I'll get you later "Loca.""
He is one of the coolest people I have ever known. Why I did that? I wish I didn't have to ask that question to myself in the first place, but I guess I was lost, lost but not all that lost after all.
I truly felt much better after I confessed to him, and we became even better friends after that. We even started talking more personals things, and we shared a little about our families. I even told Bob that my family was going back to Chile, and he said while they are here and before they live, I want to meet them. At the same time he said to me, "I want to check out what kind of tile work you did on that countertop of yours. To do tile is difficult."
A few days after that talk he stopped by my house and visit with us for a few. It was really difficult to make him feel comfortable on that house, and you might imagine why? There was no furniture. We just had two mattresses and two wooden stools. That was all we had. We did our best to show him that he was welcome, and I remember that day that he was reluctant to eat a burrito that Veronica cooked from scratch. Actually he refused to eat it, but Veronica and I really insisted, and we insisted Spanish hard for him to at least try the burrito. At the end he ate some of the burrito. Now I know that I shouldn't insist on somebody trying to make them taste our country's food. We find our food so delicious, something so special, but food still is just food. Anyhow he was eating the burrito right over the countertop I built with the tile I did steal from the project, and he couldn't stop looking at it. He ate part of the burrito, and I could tell he would've preferred not to. That was kind of awkward. Since then I started to understand that Americans are very picky when it comes to food. He said right before living, "I'm very impressed with your tile work, and that countertop is professional grade craftsmanship man. Good job. I'm impressed."
Actually, I was the one very impressed with American craftsmanship, and the way things were done here in the U.S. Up that moment I had learned a lot about construction in a very short amount of time, and it was all possible mainly because of Bob Rodriguez. I was thankful to get to know him, and to this day I really appreciate his help, and his understanding especially on those times.
Bob knew that they were going back to Chile, but he didn't know why they were going back. I didn't want to tell him the whole story about Veronica and I, it was not a happy story, and anyways they were living soon. At the time I was counting the days until Veronica's trip. I could not wait until this whole situation with her was done and over with.
One of those nights about a week before Veronica's trip became clear to me that something has changed on me. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I was following the trail, and I was getting closer to figure it out in my mind. Actually the change was mainly inside my heart. Due to the indoctrination of my childhood, in which you must never question the will of God, and everything happens for a reason, because it is God's plan, I thought I was here in the U.S. because God wanted me to be here. For these reasons I was blind to see the truth that was laying down right in front of me. At that moment in my life I just remember going over the facts inside my mind, the facts of what I saw with my own eyes in this country and nothing else. It has been only a about a year and a half since I got to Miami, and I have seen with my own eyes people dying at the emergency rooms of the hospitals because they didn't have health insurance. I went once to an emergency room, not because I was sick, but Mrs. Dora the first person that I ever rented a room from here in the U.S., she got really sick and I gave her a ride to the emergency room. I was completely surprised to see that here in the U.S. people were begging to be seen by a Dr. In an emergency room full of people where all of them looked very sick, and many of them lying on the floor, and all of them waiting to be seen by a Dr. To see that with my own eyes was hard for me to believe, and it was hard to believe that people here in the United States were left aside to die like they were dogs on the streets. Honestly at that moment I thought that dogs many times got it a lot better in this country than many humans did. I remember Mrs. Dora coming back home next day on the afternoon, because she had to wait for more than twelve hours before she was short seen by a nurse, not even a doctor, she was seen by a nurse, and she was sent back home with some antibiotics and that's it. Then I remembered the time, a few months after I moved to Mrs. Dora's house, when there was a lock-down. A large area of Hialeah was completely closed down, and surrounded by police. Nobody could go in or out of that area. All this because a teenager has been shot by a police officer on the back, and the victim was a young African American riding his motorcycle. He has been shot in the back, and not with just one bullet. I think you already know the rest of the story. Then I started thinking about the construction sites. All the construction sites that I have been working for, all of them were driven by a force of illegal workers, and of course all of them being exploited paying them very little, and forced to work extremely hard, and long hours. Most likely none of them got paid overtime, and if they got hurt, they were threatened with deportation. I started to remember how many of them I knew personally that they got fired, and didn't get paid the last two or three weeks of work. Was that a coincidence? For the first time in my life I started to question the very existence of a God at all.
Before that moment never crossed my mind to even think about doubting or questioning the will of God. That was a sin, and that was due to my childhood indoctrination. I realized at that moment in my life, that I have been brainwashed since I was a little kid. At that moment in my life, even if I didn't say it, or crossed my mind to say it out loud, there was a phrase stocked in the bottom of my heart, and that phrase was, "Fuck you God! What kind of sick God allows all these things to happen? Fuck you God!"
I have reached that same conclusion once before in my life, and that was while serving in the Army. Back then I was a little over eighteen years and I didn't blame God, at the time I blame men for what I was going through. This time I have reached the same state of mind, but this time I was upset at God. At that time it has been almost exactly 10 years after the moment I almost committed suicide in the army, and I was facing again in my heart the same kind of feelings, with the only difference that at the time in the Army was God the one who saved me, and I never blamed God for what happened to me. Now here in the U.S. it was different, I was blaming God, and I really didn't care. I knew only one thing at the time, and that was God plan, if there it was one, in my eyes it sucked! One more time I was feeling and reaching the same conclusions in my mind. I had the complete certainty that I should end my suffering, end my misery, and accept that basic rights like living in democracy, having a family, and the pursuit of happiness, all that was for somebody else but not for me. I was not good enough to have a life. I was nothing but a peasant and for me, there it was nothing but slavery in my future, and I was better off dead than alive.
With that kind of thoughts in my mind I went to sleep that night. I do remember exactly how I was feeling that night because that night I had a dream, a dream like never before, the most beautiful dream ever! It was so beautiful that the feeling I experienced on that dream stayed with me for days on end.
More than 20 years ago I thought I have lost my religion, my faith in God, my faith in society, my faith in justice when in the middle of the night I woke up with the most beautiful feeling I have had ever felt before, I was elated and almost in tears. I had a dream like no other before. I saw myself walking in the middle of darkness. I could barely see my silhouette. I was walking slowly with long steps, one after another, like an old clock second after second. My hands were in front of me palm to palm with the tips of my fingers touching each other, almost like a little child praying to God before he goes to sleep. I was looking to myself walking in the middle of darkness when a spot light came on, right above my head. At that moment I was back into myself surprised by the light, and I heard a deep voice that surrounded me saying, "I will give you no answer. I will give you understanding." Right after hearing that, and feeling an amazing emotion, a sensation that took over all over me, I woke up still immersed in this beautiful feeling. My heart was beating hard and strong, but slow and calmed. I catch my breath after I opened my eyes taking a deep breath, and I sat on the bed asking myself, "What was that? Veronica woke up and asked me what was going on. I was in awe and I didn't want to start thinking about the sensation I experienced, I wanted to enjoy it as long as I could. I thought the felling was going to disappear quick but no. Slowly I found the words to tell her about the dream, and she said to me, "And that's it? Don't worry is just a dream, go back to sleep." like we were almost not talking to each other, I turned around and I pretend that I went back to sleep. I lay on my bed and I felt peace all around me as if I was being hugged by peace itself. After a while I went to sleep but the feeling on my heart and all over my body was still there. That night I fall asleep surrounded and immersed on that beautiful feeling.
Next morning I wake up and for my surprise the feeling was still there. I started getting ready to go to work and I couldn't help to go over and over that dream, again and again in my head. Before I went to work I said goodbye to Veronica and I hugged Sebastian knowing that soon, I will have to say goodbye to him, and I didn't know how long it was going to be before I see him again, if ever.
That morning I stopped at my favorite place at the time-Dunkin-and I grabbed my coffee and a cake donut. On my way to work I couldn't shake the feeling off of me. I thought that sensation it was going to gone by then, but no it wasn't. At the time I was driving a little white car-a Geo-sprint turbo-that I bought if as a junk car, but I was able to fix it myself. I loved that little car because that model had a turbo engine on it and it was fast, really fast. It had an impressive acceleration and it was a four cylinder engine-a very small engine 1.6cc-and it was standard. I was going to work on my little fast white car, drinking my coffee and eating my donut, listening to the music on the radio when all of a sudden I heard the same voice again, in a very commanding tone telling me, "on the next corner turn left." I felt that feeling that I had on my dream all over again, and I did as the voice commanded me. Then I heard the voice again telling me, "Next light turn right" and I did. About half way on that block I heard, "Stop right here." and I did stop. I parked my car as fast as I could. I parked my car right in front of a park that I have never seen before. Honestly I didn't even know where I was, but I stopped as the voice told me to do so. The park I was looking at, it looked a bit out of place. This park had a beautiful big green trees but it didn't have grass, instead of grass had dirt and round river rocks all over the place. Right by tress there it was a creek running across, and as I was looking at the very out of place landscape, at that moment I heard the voice again saying, "I am surprise that you recognize me that quick. I know that you have reached the conclusion for the first time in your life that I do not exist, and for the first time in your life you have lost your faith in me. We need to talk. If you want I can pay you a visit and we can talk about it. You have four days to give me an answer." Right after that I got out of the car, and sat on the curve right in front of the car, and I asked myself, "What in the hell is going on with me." I have never heard voices in my head before, and actually I couldn't tell if the voice was inside my head or not, because the only thing I knew, that voice was loud and clear and was able to hear it like just like when somebody right by your side does talk to you. At that moment seated by the curve, I found nothing better than pray with all my heart and so I did. I said "My heavenly father with a humble heart, I give you thanks for all your blessings. My Heavenly Father sorry if I have doubted you, but please, don't let me go insane, please. I leave these things in the name of your son Jesus Christ. Amen." After I finish praying I said to myself "liar! Do you still believe in God?" In all truth at that moment in my life I didn't know anymore what to believe. For sure I was going through a spiritual crisis. Somehow I put myself together, got in the car, and continue on my way to work.
Since I was a teenager I have been praying always in a very simple way, I used to say, "My Heavenly Father let it be your will and not mine." I always thought that in a way I was being guided by God's will, but after all I have seen back in my country, and now here in the U.S. I wasn't so sure no more. In a way, to expand my horizon seeing a different culture had expanded my view of the world in a wider and broader point of view, but at the same time it got me lost. For sure at that moment in time I was lost.
Nonetheless, that day I did my best to keep myself together and I went to work, and at work even if it was very hard not to think about what happened to me and I was a bit distracted, I was able to put another day of hard honest work in.
When finally I got home that day I was exhausted. I was emotionally drained, but anyways I found the strength to play basketball with my Champ Sebastian. I knew we were spending our last few moments together, and before he had to go I wanted to use every single minute I had with him. I wish at the time I could've been able to take him to Disney Land or something of that sort. I really wanted to take him to an iconic place so at least he had something memorable and nice to talk about for the rest of his life. Anyhow I was happy to see that after all, he has not lost not even a bit, all that happiness inside his mind and his heart. I was trying the best I could to keep things together, but there was a storm of emotions raging inside of me. That day while playing with Sebastian I was thinking, "Am I going crazy? What's going on with me?" I remember wanting to take him to Disney, but that was nothing but wishful thinking, and to think about that made me feel even worse. That day at dinner time Veronica and I talked about the dream, but like always, she dismissed the subject, and quickly and swiftly she changed it to something more trivial. I couldn't stop thinking about it. While we were talking Sebastian came over and tried to make me smile making one of his funny faces. He showed me his last creation and like always he made me smile.
I tried to make the best out of that situation, but it wasn't much that I could do to change any of what was going on. The days were going by really quick, and money like always was very short. I wish I could send him back with a lot of stuff, but I couldn't afford it.
Last night prior to their trip back to Chile, I tried to teach him how to pray. I tried to teach him the same way to pray to God, that my mom Nieves once taught me, when I was little. I remember that he was still afraid of darkness, and that night, the last night before their trip back to Chile I turned off all the lights, and I said to him, "I want to show you something. Don't worry there is nothing to be afraid of. In darkness you can't see, but it doesn't mean that things disappear. There is not such a thing like monsters or ghosts, none of that. The biggest monster you will ever find in this Earth is another human being, and I wish God protects you against harm. There is something that I want to show you tonight. I want you to remember what I am going to tell you. I want to tell you that there is a living God, and you might not see God, but God is always there, just like me by your side right now. You might not see me but I'm here, and even if I am not by your side God will. God is always there, right by your side, even if you can't see it." That night I tuck him to bed, and before he went to sleep I said to him, "Repeat with me, Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God's love commits me here. Ever this day or night, be at my side to light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen." I said that to him and I tuck him in giving him a hug and saying good night. That was the last night that we spent together as a family.
Next day early in the morning, we grabbed our luggage and went to the airport. After a long line and a few words, the time came to board the plane. We got to the point where I couldn't go any farther with them, because of security reasons at the airport, and I let go of his hand. I said goodbye and good luck, and I said to him, "Remember that I will always love you." He looked at me and he said, "I don't want you to be lonely so I'm going to leave with you my teenage mutant ninja turtle to make you company and protect you. Bye dad." He gave me his most precious possession at the time, and that was the latest stuffed Teenage Mutant Turtle that I bought for him, not too long ago, and that was the toy that he fall asleep with.
I remember looking at them as they were walking away from me, and at the same time feeling deep in my heart a pain like I have never felt before. Right after they disappeared out of my sight, I felt like my heart was ripped in two, just like you rip a sheet of paper in halves. I have never felt such emptiness in my heart before, and at the same time I had the sense of being lost, completely lost, and I was totally overwhelmed with emotions to the point that was hard to walk straight.
That day I went home and when I got home I looked at the calendar and I realized that had been four days since I heard that voice, and I look at the clock, and it was exactly 6 PM with six minutes. At that precise moment I heard the voice again asking me, "What's your answer?" I reply almost instantly, "My answer is yes! Yes my Lord. Here I am. If you want to talk to me here I am." Then the voice said, "I will be here with you for 40 days and 40 nights. Mark those days in the calendar starting on November 6th" And so I did. I grabbed a pen and marked 40 days on my calendar, and right after I did that, I heard, "It is not easy for me to communicate with you, and if your faith is not a strong enough you might misunderstand me. If you don't get this right you could lose your mind forever, and you might even die. I will give you a few more days to think about it, but after that if your answer is still positive, there is no turning back." As the voice came in an instant, the voice was gone. I thought that what I felt at the airport was strong, but what I felt after I heard that voice again made me reach a new level of pain and grace, and all at the same time. For sure there was a strong feeling all around me, but in a whole new Plato. I should've been afraid, but every time that voice came to me it was almost like being around my daddy Oscar. I felt peace, serenity, and love all around me. Once the voice was gone I looked at the empty house, but now for the first time the house was as empty as I was. The house reflected very well how I felt inside. From the moment Sebastian disappeared out of my sight, I started to realize how much I really love him. He has become my sunshine, my battery pack, the reason that I was going to work for, and all that, now it was gone. That day after the voice was gone I remember staring at that old mattress lying on the floor, trying to make sense of what was going on, but I couldn't.
Next day at work I got busy as soon as I could, because I wanted to forget about everything. I started to work as hard as I could, trying to shake this nonsense out me. Nothing works better for me than working hard to clear my mind. Doing something with my hands, and focusing hundred percent on what I'm doing, makes me forget about everything else. At work I tried to look normal, like nothing has happened, but Bob who knew well, he asked me a couple times that day if everything was okay. I guess he could tell that something was bothering me. That day I remember he offered me to smoke a joint, but I said no thanks. At that time I was quitting smoking cigarettes, and it has been about a month since I quit smoking, and I didn't want to inhale any smoke at all. He said to me, "Well I guess if you don't want to smoke a joint is fine, but I need my medicine. I'll be right back." I asked him before he left, "Your medicine?" He said to me, "Don't you think that you are the only one with problems. We all have our problems and it is hard to deal with them and work at the same time, but try to leave your problems at home. The only thing that gives me peace of mind is to have a couple puffs of pot here and there. It relaxes me, and makes me focus on what I'm doing instead of thinking about all my problems. like you know I recently had a baby, and I'm still dealing with hospital bills, and other stuff with my wife, and because my insurance didn't cover everything right now is a mess. Don't think you are the only one with problems. I know is hard for you not to be around your kid. I can relate. Finish that little project while I'm gone. If somebody asks you where I am, just tell them that I needed to get some materials." I kept busy until he came back, and I could smell it on him. For some reason I really liked the smell of it. For some reason the smell of pot was so appealing. When he came back he really got into what we were doing, and he started finishing everything real quick. On my part being used to be the helper of my brothers and my dad, was easy for me to be a good hand for him. One of the things that I like the most about him, was the fact that he liked to work with music, and that day, I remember asking him what the lyrics of a song that was playing in the radio meant. I wanted to know what they were saying because it repeated time after time, and I could not understand one word of it. He said to me they are saying "taking care of business. Everyday!" and finally it all make sense, and I realized that I was starting to understand a little bit more. When I got to that project and I started working with Bob Rodriguez, was hard for me to work listening to rock 'n roll, but now one of the things that I liked the most at work, was to listen to rock and roll while I was working, especially because of the rhythm of rock 'n roll. The rock'n roll beat is the perfect rhythm to be working with. By then I realized that I was starting to have a change of hearts about music. Now the first thing I would do when I started working with Bob was to set up the radio and find a rock 'n roll station. Now I was starting to really like to listen to rock music. Rock on!
That day I got home after eating a cheap meal and I have almost forgot all about the voice. I was tired and I took a long shower; I put on my clean clothes; I was thinking on taking a ride just to break the day before I went to bed, and as I was walking towards the door I heard the voice again, "Do you have an answer for me?" The first thing I said was, "God?" The voice replied to me, "Who said I am God!" At that very moment I got really scared, literally I almost shit on my pants. At the same time everything around me turned pitch black, completely dark and I felt like if I was in the presence of something humongous, something gigantic, and I heard the words, "I am who I am, the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning, the end, and everything in between." As I was listening to those words, there was nothing but darkness, and all I can see was a silhouette as big as the line of the horizon getting closer to me fast. I saw just some places being darker than others, and on the upper right of my eye sight I saw many Golden lights symmetrically organized, and as I looked and focus my sight on it, every single one of those lights were not a single golden color light, each one of them was like a cluster of stars. I could tell that I was still far away from it, but it was so big that filled my whole field of view, and as I focus my sight on one of them, and I can see this cluster of golden color like with more details. I felt being pull away from it, and I felt so insignificant and small, and as I was coming back to where I was, at the same time, I saw a gigantic face like the face of a Buffalo and the voice said, "That's who I am, but on this land I roam as a buffalo. Don't worry, I will leave with you my son." Then I saw a humanlike figure, a figure that was riding this gigantic sort of buffalo, and came down out of its head, and then things appeared back again around me, as they were before. I was able to see the house where I was again, and I did get on my knees and I said, "My answer is yes my Lord. I don't know what's happening to me right now, but I'm willing to give it a try." I heard the voice again saying, "There will be many things that I'm going to say to you, and there are many things that are going to happen to you after this moment, and you will not understand them, but remember the words, "By their fruits you will recognize them." At the end you will not have any proof that this ever happened to you, but by the time you are about forty five years old everything should be in place for you to understand why, I am talking about to you today. If you get this right when you are about forty five years old you might be my voice on earth one more time." The voice said, "The first thing I'm going to ask from you is an act of faith. Imagine that there are two chalkboards right in front of you, and those two chalkboards are your mind. I want you to pretend that you are erasing parts of these chalkboards as I tell you to do so." So there I was, imagine me in the living room of this house pretending that I was a sort of mime, and I was erasing parts of these imaginary chalkboards. As I was doing that the voice said to me, "As you are doing that what I'm really doing is rearranging the space inside your mind. I am erasing worthless stuff stock on your mind, because I need all the space I can get. When you're done go and take a shower you stink. Then go to bed, you're going to be tired, but before you do that, bless this house so I can set camp here. Now you have the power to bless." So I blessed the house the best way I knew, and then I understand that it doesn't matter how you bless the house, the important thing is that you blessed that house in the name of God.
At that moment I understood that in order to bless in the name God, you need to say it in the name of Father and in the name of the Son, and not in the name of Jesus. I understood that in order to bless, you have to be bestowed by God himself with the power to bless. For sure that was a shocker for me.
From that moment on that empty old house was still the same place, but didn't feel empty no more. Now it was a sacred place where God had set camp. When I got out of the shower and I went back to the living room was already midnight by then, and the voice came on again saying, "On your knee." so I did, "Now I bless you. I bless your father and I bless your son." and as I was down on one knee with my head down for respect and reverence, I felt being touched on my left shoulder and then touched on my right shoulder. After that I stood in silence for a few seconds, and then I stand up, and I went to bed. I remember being really exhausted after that, and as I went to bed I thought to myself "Have I gone completely crazy?" I was tired, confused but I was okay, so far so good.
Next day at work everything was normal as always, but I remember being alone in a house that I needed to touch up some of the baseboards before they installed the carpets. On that house being all by myself I finished the downstairs and I went upstairs to the master bedroom. As I got into that big bedroom a wind twister took me by surprise. This wind current was very strong, and as the wind hit me I remember flinching and freezing up for a few seconds. The wind was so strong that messed up my hair, and lift up dust from the floor. The wind was so strong that the double doors leading to the balcony of that big master bedroom, they got wide open. The wind turned so fast that I thought the glass was going to chatter. I couldn't explain how that happened because every single door and windows were closed. That day outside was very hot and the AC was turned on.
That day I went home and I remember hesitating to go into the house, but as soon as I stepped into that empty old house it felt very inviting, it felt like I was walking into a different world. As soon as I stepped inside there was nothing but peace and harmony. I went to the bathroom and before I took a shower I remembered to bless the water. That day I took an extra long shower, and right after as I was coming out of the shower, still with my towel around my waist I saw Sigrid waiting for me. She took me by surprise, and I asked her, "How you got here" She said, "The back door was open." We started talking and it was nice to have someone to talk to. After the exchange of a few words, I went to my room and put my clothes on, and we started talking some more. Soon we were talking about how I was feeling, and how much this whole situation had affected me. By the end of our conversation I remember grabbing a glass of water and telling her, how much sorrow was inside of my heart, and I told her that after Sebastian left I felt like my heart was torn apart, and it was ripped in two with no mercy. I grabbed the glass and made a toast to the sorrow inside my heart, drinking the whole glass of water all at once, saying, "Cheers to the pain and sorrow inside my heart." I drank the whole glass of water saying Amen right after. She couldn't stay for too long, but was nice to know that as a friend she cared about what I was going through at the time. Before she left she told me that she came over to invite me for Thanksgiving dinner, and asked me if I was going to be able to make it, I said, "Don't worry I'll be there. I want miss a plate of free food. No way!" We laugh and she left. That was nice of her.
That night while in bed I started thinking, and I was surprise that I haven't heard the voice all day long, I thought to myself, "What about if I'm just going crazy and this voice is nothing but an hallucination?" Then I concluded that on this one, as many times before in my life, even if it didn't make sense at all, I was willing to find out what it was, I was willing one more time to let my heart lead the way even if it didn't make sense in my mind, because by faith you get to heaven. I decided that whatever it was, I was going to give it a try, and I thought, "By their fruits you will recognize them." Meaning that I wanted to find out what this interaction will bring to me at the end, because if it really was coming from God, nothing bad could happen to me, and the fruits out of this interaction at the end will be nothing but good things for me. I thought, "What would've happened if I didn't hear that voice or I didn't have that dream. What would've been of me? Would I have been dead by then? Because for sure one more time in my life, I have lost all faith in humanity again, and one more time I had reached the conclusion that was better to be dead than having to be a slave that is not allowed to have a life. Whatever this voice was, it was already keeping me alive, and as soon as I finished that statement in my mind, the voice came on and I heard, "Tonight I'm going to teach you about your spirit. I want you to exercise walking with your spirit." At that moment I was in bed lying on my back and the voice said to me, "Start moving your head as if you were saying yes, slowly very slowly, keep that motion going, and stop moving your muscles, but inside your mind keep moving your head up and down ever so slowly, that way now you're moving your spiritual head. Keep moving your spiritual head and grab your left hand, and with your thumb touch your forehead right above your eyebrows. Place your thumb horizontally starting on the center, and slowly move it from side to side. Move it from your left temple to your right temple. That way you are making a cross, and without stopping that motion, imagine a stairway going up. Imagine yourself starting to walk up the stairs. Little by little one step at a time with your spiritual legs, until you feel like you are moving your legs but don't move your legs, just move your spiritual legs. As you go up the stairs increase the length of your steps, as you are doing this, leave your body behind, and keep going up with your spirit as every step you take gets longer and longer. Keep doing that until you feel like you're flying in between steps."
When I heard the voice saying, "Imagine a set of stairs in front of you." I saw myself surrounded by fog and immerse in water up to knees, then I saw myself from the back at the very bottom of a round set of stairs going up. They looked like a set of stairs inside of a light house, and as I started to climb up the ladder the fog started to dissipate. I was looking at myself from about five feet behind, and all my clothes were ripped just like the clothing of a ghost. As I was climbing up the stairs my steps got longer and longer. First was one step at a time, then two at a time, and started to double until it got to the point where I was flying. I went through the clouds and I was flying over this beautiful lake, right in front of a green prairie, with a forest on the left side, and a tall cliff with a thing waterfall on the right side. The Sun was just above the horizon and it was a beautiful day. After flying free for awhile, I ended up seated aside a thin creek of crystal clear water. This creek was located on top of the cliff by the lake. This creek led to the waterfall. I was seated on a typical yoga meditation position, and I even had the tip of my middle fingers touching the tip of my thumb, right over my crossed legs. That's how I fall asleep that night, believing that I was meditating right on the top of a cliff, listening to the crystal clear water running beside me, on this shallow thin creek, right in the middle of a very beautiful place, full of green and wild flowers.
Next day at work first thing in the morning, they sent me to work on a very odd assignment. They plant a small tree and for some reason now the tree was leaning to the side, almost touching the grass. I remember putting the tree a little deeper into the ground, and I was having fun doing that. I even took my shoes off, and put my feet on the ground. It surprised me because it felt really good to touch the ground with my bare feet. For some reason I was feeling connected to the tree and the ground, I had the conviction that I was being one with my surroundings in a way I never felt before.
Finally I put some bracings on that tree, and everything was just normal, but little wind twisters keep following me around everywhere I went-not all the time, but one here, and another there. I have fun that day at work, and I remember starting to feel better, but every time I started thinking about Sebastian tears will come to my eyes. It was still very painful for me to think of him. My only consolation was to know that over there back in Chile he was with his grandma, and he was way better off with her than here by my side. I knew that my decision was the right thing to do logic wise, but my heart missed him a lot.
After work I went home took a shower; blessed water, and after that, I went for a joy ride. I took a ride to nowhere. I didn't have a destination in mind, and I was just driving forward. I was looking at the sunset, picking at it through the tall buildings, every time I got a chance, and I ended up by the International Airport of Miami. When I realized that I was there I remember how much I love to watch the airplanes taking off, and right before I got into the airport, I heard the voice saying, "Put your right hand up, and make the palm of your hand face the sun." As you can imagine I followed the instructions to the letter, and I'm really sure that I must looked really awkward. Just imagine seeing somebody driving with one hand and the other hand up and facing the sun. For sure it felt awkward, but at the same time it felt so good. As the light of the sunset Sun touched the palm of my hand it felt like life itself rushing from the palm of my hand all throughout my body. After driving around like that for a few and going around through places I have never seen before-except for the airport-I got home and I felt totally renewed. As soon as I got inside the house I heard the voice again saying, "Tonight you are going to learn about your spirit. Tonight you will learn the mechanics of the spirit. I will explain to you how your spirit works, and tonight I want you to remember that if you ever have the okay to speak in my name, this part will be part of the message. Four, remember this number, for life to exist there is a spirit first, and every spirit is the essence of life. Every spirit is almost nothing at all, including mine, remember this words, "Spirit over Matter," life begins with the essence of life, and the essence of life does not use any physical space. Life is like a thought in your mind, and that thought leads the rest. Matter is the after math of a reaction that followed the birth of the spirit.
Remember wherever life is born, I am there, how does this happen? Don't worry dimwit, you don't have to understand all that, you just have to accept that there is a thing bigger than you, and way smarter than you, and way older than you. You might think that I know it all, but I don't. Let me tell you my story; let me tell you the meaning of my name. In all reality my name means "The one without a name," that's why I do not care the name you might give me. Just know that I know when you pronounce my name in any way it may sound. Every time you refer to me, I know it. From the moment that I was born, to the moment I really gain consciousness of my own existence, I don't know how long it took for that to happen, and to become who I am, it has been a long road. Remember the meaning of my name, "The one without a name," after that, I have given a name to all of you, but nobody as far as I know ever gave me a name. Long time ago I was not born, in a way that I just happened. Nobody was there when I was born, and I don't know like I said, for how long there it was nothing but me, and infinite darkness all around me. No matter where I went or how far I did go, there it was nothing but darkness. I went from being the simplest way of existence to what I am today, and I am not perfect, I have made many, many mistakes. I was not born what I am today, I did evolve to become who I am, and I am who I am. More important than to know where you came from, is to know where you're going, and remember that every step you take could be your last one.
Listen to this dimwit, is very important for you to know the mechanics of your spirit. What you are going through is an imbalance due to your faith, and because I have blessed you. You are going through an imbalance because you have became a Father in spirit, you in my eyes have earned the right to be a father in spirit, and if you know me, to be a father in spirit is more important that being the sperm donor. I, God, I have blessed you with your first physical blessing, and that is the first blessing that any human regardless of gender can receive from me. After this forty days you will became a true father in spirit. What has happened to you is because of your faith in me, your good intentions, and your natural ability to look with my eyes, you earned my blessing. Look with my eyes means that you look at people as I said, you should look at people. You look at people as I do, and that is, you look at people as if they were your brothers, and you are right because every spirit on Earth are my sons and daughters, and everything in between. You look at people as if they were your distant family, but still your family regardless of nationality, color, race or gender.
The mechanics of your spirit it requires an opposition. Since you were conceived, your body that is, I started creating you, and when you are conceived you are nothing but a nest. Even after you are born you are nothing but a nest, but when you get to remember your first memory, that is the moment when your spirit hashed for the first time. At that moment I place your spirit in your body, and you became truly alive, that is the instance when your life started. You really came to this world, the time when you got your first memory, remember that. From that moment on the race for survival is on for you, and at that moment I became in your body more than your creator, I became your opposition, physically you follow me, and spiritually I follow you, you say yes, I say no, that is how I started teaching you how to think. You are limited on how many memories from passed experiences you can hold, those you can say are your instincts, but I can hold more memories for you that you can imagine, and once you learn how to think on your own, that is the moment when you really are born in spirit. You need to learn how to seize the moment, and on that you have no limitations, if everything goes well you should reach that point around forty years of age if you are a male, and if you are a female your should reach that point when you're around thirty years old. For that to happen everything has to go well, and you, you are in the right track.
The reason why I am here with you right now is because like I said, "where ever there is life being born, I'm there. You have reached in spirit the point where you are becoming aware of your son, your spiritual son. Your spiritual son is waking up, and here I am to bless that birth. I am here to bless the birth of your son, and after these forty days I am living you. I didn't come over here to talk to you, I have been always with you being your opposition, and now after these twenty eight years with you, I will finally leave you. Your spirit with my blessing gave birth to a son, and now you my son, you will became the father of your son, and you know the role I have played in your life, and now is your turn to be the opposition of your son. Congratulations you are a Father now. You have earned my blessing."
The spiritual rule of multiplication: "At the beginning of your life it was only me creating your body, then when you were born in flesh, but spiritually the day of your first memory, that is the day of your birth. Have you heard the saying, "An individual is born twice in this life," and actually it goes beyond that. The day of your spiritual birthday, one became two, and now is the day when two became four. Let me explain, pay attention. For you to understand what is happening to you right now, I will put it in a way that you can understand. I will give you a very simplified version of what's going on in your spirit. First it was me, God, to your left, as the Father and your opposition. You were at my right as my son, and physically you followed me, and spiritually I followed you, there it was two of us. Now because the rule of multiplication, now we are four, your son will take your right, and you will take the left, you will be your son's opposition, and because of my example with you, you now know how to be a father. That transition takes about forty days, that's why I am living you, in about forty days. In reality I will never live you. Now that we are four, after these forty days your son will lead the way, so he can learn to be, and you, as his opposition, in order to keep balance, you need to follow your son. Unless experience needs to take over to avoid disaster, that it is the rule. There is always an exception to the rule.
Now recap: Imagine the four cardinal points North, South, East and West. They are four because your son now is leading the way, and he is north. You following him, become South. I God, the Eternal Father takes East and my son takes the West. These four points they rotate because there is always an exception to the rule. You can take the lead in the case there is a God reason to do so, and that reason is to avoid disaster, and that is the exception to the rule. That's why your Spirits still being one, and the same can rotate as needed. This simplified example is as simple as it gets so you can understand the concept, the idea of the mechanics of your spirit. Son leads, you cover his back, my Son it covers your back, and I cover my son's back. Got it?" Yes my Lord got it! God said, "God night now son." Good night my Lord "Love you." I said, and he said, "Love you too son of mine. Be a good Father. By the way, what name are you going to give him, because you get to name your son?" I responded, "I don't know yet. I will let him choose his own name when he grew up, and if he wants me to give him a name I will, but I will give to my son the freedom of choosing his own name, if he wants to." God said, "Wise decision. Good night son." "Good night my Lord." I said and went to sleep like a baby.
After listening to those words I was exhausted. I went to bed, and I had another great night of sleep. God said, "If you ever wonder where you go when you fall asleep, is the same place that you go when you die, and that is right by my side."
Next day early in the morning I woke up and I felt the need to pray, to pray and give thanks before I went to work. Before I was done the voice said, "From this moment on people will be able to tell that something is wrong with you. People can feel it, they as well as you, they know me. Some fear me, some get confused, but they know when I'm around, just like you do. Some old fox like you know me very well and is hard for me to hide, especially from you. Today I want you to take some medicine, you need it, bless it before you inhale it, and don't be afraid. Never take more than four puffs a day, don't cross the line. You might know by now, that every time you cross the line there is a price to pay."
That morning on my way to work I grabbed my coffee and my doughnut like always, and on my way to work I was thinking; "Now I know for sure that I am going crazy. Now God is asking me to smoke some pot to disguise my insanity. This is hilarious!" I said, and laughed out loud.
When I got to work, after setting up the tools, and the extension cords like always, Bob came and invited me to go with him to the store to get some materials, and I said sure. I was glad to have someone giving me a joy ride. I really needed some joy that morning for sure. The explanation that God gave me the night before, was long and very deep to the point that my brain was about to explode paying so much attention.
I remember that day recognizing for the first time in my life, that I was being fed up of driving around. I used to love to drive a car, but now here in the U.S. after driving around two hours a day every day, I was glad that I was going to be able to sit down and enjoy the ride.
On our way to the store he asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint, and I said like always, "No thanks I pass. I am good." He took a joint out of his shirt's pocket, and asked me to roll up the windows. He said don't worry, I'll blow the smoke out the window. I just don't want the people to see that I am smoking it. He lighted up and took a couple puffs, blew the smoke out the window, and right after he put it off and saved the "colita" in the ashtray. I could smell, "The warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air-Hotel California, Lyrics. Still the smoke inside the truck for me was very heavy, and I started to roll dawn my window so I can get some fresh air, and as I was doing that, he yelled at me "Close the window! What tha? Don't you see the police car right by your side?" I didn't see the police car that was right beside us, and he said after I closed the window really quick like nothing happened, "I smoke and you get high? What in the hell is going on with you?" We just laugh, fortunately nothing happened.
As we got the stuff at the store he told me that this week as I already knew, it was going to be my last week of work before the project closed. He went to say to me, that he was sorry to have to let me go, but that is how construction worked in the U.S. "Feast of famine." I told him not to worry. I told him that I was happy to have had the opportunity to work as a carpenter helper, and we talked about it while we got the materials we needed at the hardware store. I got the opportunity to tell him how much I appreciated all his help sincerely one more time.
Back at the project we started framing a sort of mechanical room for a heater, like always we did set up the radio, and we started working. I said to him, "Do you mind if I take a puff out of your joint?" "Not at all," he said and handed it to me. I took just a puff and kept working as we listen to rock and roll. After a few seconds I really got into the music. It was just like the time I took a little puff while playing pin-ball when I was a teen. I felt relaxed more focused, and the feeling of anxiety went away in a heartbeat. I was so amazed to realize that nothing has changed, but my feelings of being worried went away. That day was a great day, and lunch time was an exquisite one.
That day after work at home, I took a shower, blessing the water before I did of course, and right after I put my clothes on I went for a ride. I took my little turbo car and I went for a ride to nowhere. I just wanted to go out and wonder around to whatever place my car would take me. I didn't have any specific destination in mind, and I ended up by the ocean in a wooden dock. I was looking at the sunset that by the way, that day it was astonishing, and I was admiring to this beautiful sunset when the voice came on and said, "Bless this place." And without not even questioning that command, I started blessing the place I was, but this time something was different. Something happened at that moment, something very profound, I felt like I was stepping aside of myself and God was taking over me completely. From that moment on I felt like I was no longer in the driver side of myself. I was on the side of myself watching in first row how things unfolded. I was no longer on control of myself. Even my voice when I talked didn't sound the same. You might think I was afraid or in distress but no, it was totally the opposite. I remember being on the side lines of myself watching how things unfolded, and no longer in control, but totally calm and full of a great feeling hard to explain, but it felt amazing!
That's what happened at that moment. While looking at the sunset I slowly opened my arms wide open, and I turned around giving the back to the Sun. I stood steal there for a few seconds; then I put my head backwards all the way, as far as I could, and while the Sun was right in my back, I said out loud, "I bless this place in the name of the father, and in the name of the Son. Take unto and do receive this blessing in the name of the father, and in the name of the Son." While I was saying in the name of the father the second time, my right hand touched my left shoulder with the tips of my fingers, and then my arm went back to the position of being completely extended, then with my left hand touched my right shoulder with the tip of the fingers, and came back to the initial position of having my arms wide open. When I was done doing that, I turned to my left and I repeated exactly the same, then I turned hundred and eighty degrees and again I said exactly the same words, and I did exactly the same motions with my arms, then I faced the Sun, and looking at the Ocean I said, "This place is now Holly Land, and Holly Waters."
As soon as I was finished with that last sentence, a huge male sea lion got its head out of the water, started sniffing me, and looked right into my eyes. At that moment I said, "Yes, I am back on Earth one more time. Go and tell the others that I am back." After I said that the sea lion and I stared at each other for a couple of seconds, and the sea lion got back into the water disappearing out of my sight as quickly as it came. After that I got in my car, and I went home feeling amazingly great. While driving on my way home I heard the voice saying to me, actually kind of singing, "Don't you worry, you don't have to be worried no more, you don't have to be worried," and then again sang, "You don't have to be worried no more, you don't have to be worried."
The voice told me not to worry, but one thing was for sure inside my heart, and that was the fact that I wanted to live close to my family, and I didn't want to be alone no more. For that to happen I wanted to move close to my mom Mercedes. At the time my mom Mercedes was living with my sister Belinda, and they have moved from Billings, Montana to Salt Lake City, Utah. They have had enough with the cold weather in Montana, especially in winter time, so out of all the places that they could go, they decided to move to Salt Lake City, because of the Mormon Church.
My sister Belinda since she was baptized she has been always a very good Mormon, and one of her dreams was to live close to a Mormon Temple, so that's why they moved to Salt Lake.
My mom Mercedes and my sister Belinda they have been always very close, and like my mom Mercedes used to say, "I want to die in the arms of my beloved daughter Belinda." Out off all of us Belinda was my mom's favorite daughter, they were very compatible, and at the time they wanted to be together, "till death tears them apart."
I called my mom Mercedes and for my surprise, she was not with my sister at the time. She was back in Chile taking care of some personal businesses, and when I called Belinda gave me a phone number where to call her in Chile. Finally I got a hold of her, and we talked for a while over the phone. It was for sure nice to hear her voice. Just to hear her voice made me feel for some reason much, much better. While talking to my mom Mercedes she mentioned to me that if I wanted to see her, I could go to the airport of Miami on her way back to the U.S. and meet with her for a bit. Her flight back to the U.S. was going to make a stop for a couple of hours in Miami, and she wanted to see me.
Right in the middle of those forty days, on one of those days, I went to the airport and met with my mother. It was nice for sure to see her again and catch up with her. It has been more than three years since the last time I saw her. She came to the U.S. about a year and a half before I came to the U.S., and has been over a year and a half since I got here. We talked for a while at the airport and before she left, she said me to take care of myself, we hugged, and we said good bye to each other. Right before she turned around to go back to her airplane I said to her, "Don't worry mom, you don't have to be worried no more, you don't have to be worried." Almost like the voice said it to me, and that was the only thing odd that I remember saying or doing while I was with her. In that short got together at the airport, I tried my best not to act out of place or say something that made no sense. Fortunately nothing odd happened, and it was nice to see her one more time. I have to admit that I had to bless the airport before I met with her though.
The last day at work was a nice one, they took me to lunch, and we went to a chicken place on Bob Maureen's truck-of course, on the way to the place we stopped on the side of the road, in a non conspicuous place, and we lighted one up. This time I grabbed the joint and I took a puff, anyways was pointless not too, because just with the smoke was enough to get me high. We had a great lunch time, and back at work, they take it easy on me that afternoon. When the day was over I said good bye to everyone and I left.
That day on my way home I was feeling very uncertain because I really didn't have a clue about what was coming next. I really liked to work with them, but nothing I could do about it.
That Friday night at home I was all by myself, and after I took a shower and got fresh clothes on, thanks God, God came over and gave me another lesson. The lesson of that night was a shocker. God said to me, "The way our spirit must face the universe in order to work are only two." There are two ways to face the universe, one way is saying yes, and the other is saying no, just like a shark and a dolphin. One it moves in a horizontal pattern and the other in a vertical manner, and what they have in common, is that they repeat the motion over and over. That simple thought caught in the brain as a motion is a true miracle of life.
God said to me, "I am closer to any of you than what you ever imagined before. To exist is not easy, and do not ask me how difficult is just to communicate with you. Trust me, you don't need to understand all those details, in the other hand if you know how to count up to ten, you know more than enough to be able to make the choice if you want to be by my side or not. If you know how to count up to ten, you can understand me."
God said, "I have told the same story many times before, and there is little pieces of my truth scattered all over the world. They come from people all over the world from different eras, and different millenniums but I have been around humans from the beginning waiting for them to get the point where we start having fun being alive. I have been with you from the beginning of times." At that moment I remember having a memory very patent coming back to my mind. I had a memory where I was dying and I was in my last moment, that moment right after that last breath. I saw in my mind the image of being something like a fish. I was reliving that in my mind when God told me, "That image in your mind, shows you how far we go back. One time long ago I saved your life. You were physically dead, and you should've been dead while ago, but your spirit resisted dying and the only thing keeping you alive was your will to be alive. You were praying for a miracle to happen, and I was able to hear you. As I walked by I rescued you putting you back in the water. That image in your mind is yours. That fish you see is you dying. As, as you remember I was walking with my son by my side and he pointed at you and said, "Father look, that fish is still alive I can sense his spirit." We reached for you and put you back in the water. Little by little you recovered and you came back to life. What was even more amazing was the fact that you remembered us the next day when we pass you by on that pond. You came over and you were thankful and full of gratitude. That is how far we go back son of mine. Your spirit was born long, long ago."
At that moment I was in awe, I was seeing images in my mind of my spirit when was just a fish, at the very beginning of my life as a spirit, and God said, "Eternity does exist. You are the very prove of that."
God said, "The question if not why I left you, the question is always why you are walking away from me? There is a connection between you and me, and there is a connection between every single living thing and me." God said, "Let's leave it up to here. Your little mind has already reached its limit. Think about what I just told you, and will talk some more when you digest what I just said. Don't worry we have all the time in the world, and nice to see you again son."
After that nice night, I had some time in my hands, and everything was nice and dandy. I still had a little bit of money in my pocket, and I was doing just fine. I was saving every single penny that I could though, and I was still able to buy me food and cook for myself. I always loved to be able to cook for myself without having to ask nobody to cook it for me, loved that. I love to be independent. So like I said it was lovely to have some time off and being able to rest, but regardless I was worried because I needed to find a job. At the time that is what I started doing after I got laid off from my other job.
Actually after working so hard and for so long, I was happy to have some time in my hands to spear. It felt great! I remember missing so much just to have fun that one of those days I decided to blow twenty dollars playing in an arcade place. I saw an ad in the newspaper and when I got there I was blown away. I have never seen such a big Arcade. I was in heaven! I found a machine that once was one of my favorite games of all times. It was a Jetfighter game, and this one had a combat airplane cockpit that rotated 360 degrees. Oh my! I don't know how many times I played on that machine, well to be honest I didn't play more than five times, I wish I could, but money was short. That day I played pinball too, and that is my favorite game of all times. It's so amazing for me to see all the mechanics involved in one of these pinball machines that amaze me even to this day. These machines are full of principles of physics like gravity, resistance, electromagnetism, density and so on so forth. They have targets, slides, bumpers, bouncers there is so much physics involved in this game that I was amazed just to look at them. Every time I had the chance to play on them, I was so happy to have the opportunity to have a taste of the future in my hands. For me on top of all that, the new pinball machines were equipped with integrated computers, and that for me was a Brain Blower. It was Amazing! I love pinball machines. I loved them so much that I spent one whole school year playing pinball instead of going to school. That day while playing in this place, and having fun I realized that since I got here to the U.S. I have been so busy trying to survive and learn how to speak the language that I have forgotten completely that a human needs to play. I was hungry to have some fun, the good kind of fun, the real fun, good fun. Fun that you get not drinking, not smoking, I was hungry for the kind of fun you get playing among myriads of people, and to see all of them having fun made me feel great again. It was a great day, and I had a great time like I haven't had in years.
I remember that day because it was the day before Thanksgivings, and I have been invited to have dinner with Mike and Sigrid at their house at six pm.
Thanksgiving Day I showed up a bit early to Mike's house. I didn't have anything else to do that day and I loved to talk to them, so I went a bit early. They were my friends and even if we didn't get together very often, every time we did get together we had a wonderful time. I knocked the door and Sigrid open the door with a smile on her face like always. That day I remember I was trying my best to talk and act as normal as I could, but I was able to tell that I was a bit odd. I was without a job and that made me worried, on the other hand, I had just broke up a very long and serious relationship as well, and I was in a new country. At the time I was going through a lot of uncertainty about what was going to be of my future, and all that without mentioning God.
When I got to Mike's hose he was not there, he was at work, and Sigrid was preparing dinner. I said hi to her and right after the routine cliché introduction, I don't know how we got to a point where I said something really odd. I said to her a typical saying of my country, because we started talking about my fights with Veronica, and those fights at the end were all about nothing but, "Fish heads" meaning something trivial that makes no sense. In my mind Veronica started fights with me because she wanted to fight with me, not because there was a real reason for it. Like I said many time to her, for me before the fight happened I could see her face, "Painted for war." The rest was just an excuse to accomplish the first objective and that was, "Fight, fight, fight." Right after I said, "We fought about nothing but Fish Heads" and the odd thing was that I added, "And what about the rest of the body of the fish?" Translation: We fought for nothing really important. We just fought for trivial insignificant things, but what I meant adding the rest? "And what about the rest of the body of the fish heads." That didn't make sense at all, but I already had said that. Sigrid looked at me surprised and out of words, but then she didn't make much out of it, anyways was awkward. I tried not to say incoherent things as well, but sometimes they just got out of my mouth. After talking a few about Veronica and I we changed the subject because she could tell that talking about Veronica was a hard subject for me, mainly because I ended up talking about Sebastian, and every time I thought of him, tears would appear in my eyes. We changed the subject and we started talking about what I have been doing. Of course I didn't talk to her about God and stuff, but I told her about the jobs I have been applying for and such. After a few, while she was setting the table, she started talking to me about how she was a bit disappointed about the U.S., and how she was not all that happy anymore. In the middle of that she mention Mike's name, and as she pronounced his name I looked at my watch and I saw the time, and the time was six pm with six minutes, and six seconds. At that very moment I interrupted her and I said, "Stop!" and I couldn't stop myself from saying out loud, "Stop this is not good, Mike is in a six, that means he is up to no good." Sigrid asked me, "What are you talking about?" I said, "Mike is in a six. Look at my watch. When you mention his name I looked at my clock, and it was 6:06 and that means he is no good." Sigrid asked me, "What does that means?" I said, "I am not exactly sure, but what I know is that whatever it is, is not good. I know that much." Sigrid said, "Just by looking at your watch you can tell if someone is doing something bad? What are you trying to say?" Then I came to my senses and I said, "Oh don't mind me, I'm talking nothing but, "Fish heads" and then I said again, "…and what about the rest of the body?" Then Sigrid said, "Well let me tell you that Mike and I are not doing pretty well lately. Mike and I we are braking up, and I might go back to Chile soon." I said, "I knew it! Something was going on with Mike. Is it his fault? I'm so sorry to hear about that. Are you sure about you and Mike, what's going on? I guess U.S. is not what you thought what it was ha?" Sigrid said, "No, not really." Good thing she just kept talking to me like nothing happened, but I could tell she was aware that I was not fine up there in my head. We kept talking as she was cooking the last details on the side dishes, and she was keeping an eye on that big bird that she had in the oven. While she was setting up the table and stuff, I was keeping an eye on Erika-her few months old daughter. Erika was the cutest little thing ever, and she was so sweet. I really liked when she giggled making a very high pitch sound up and down from the bottom of her heart. She was so cute. While Sigrid was cooking and I was entertaining Erika Mike finally arrived. Erika almost jumped out of her chair, she got so excited. Mike said hi to all of us, and grabbed Erika in his arms like he has been waiting all day long just to see her again. I don't blame him she was such a cute baby. Mike and I started talking for a little while, and good thing I didn't say anything out of place or stupid in front of him. We finally sat at the table and started having dinner. We had a glass of wine with the food and we talked some more. I was really hungry that day but of course before I started eating I blessed the food in my mind. That day was a very important day for me, and I gave thanks to God for all his blessings, and I asked God to bless the food, so that way the food could nourish our bodies as well as our spirit. I remember that God has told me, "That's why you bless the food every time before you eat it. When you bless your food in my name, that food will be able to nourish your spirit as well, and remember, "Spirit over matter."" I wish you don't have a starving spirit.
We had a great time that day, and it was nice to spent some time with my only friends at the time. To be with them that day made me feel real good, and before I knew dinner was over. We said goodnight, and as I was living Sigrid said, "You can come over tomorrow for lunch if you want to. There are plenty of leftovers." "Count on it!" I said and left feeling great that night.
Next day like I didn't have much to do especially in the morning, I went over Sigrid's house a bit early, and Sigrid needed to go and run some errands downtown Hialeah, so I did accompany her. We got in the car, secured Erika on her baby seat, and on we went. While Sigrid was driving she asked me why I said that Mike was bad? I said, "Well like I said 6:06 didn't mean that Mike was a bad person, it was just negative, like a bad omen and that's it." Sigrid asked me, "But how you reached that thought? In what you base that conclusion?" Of course on those 40 days I couldn't lie so let say that in order to answer that question, I had to do a lot of thinking and I had to omit a few details of course, but I said, "You know I do believe in a living God. A God that can be here and there, and in my beliefs God is closer than what we may think. Actually I have learned recently that sometimes random numbers can tell you something. In my beliefs if God created everything, there must be clues all over and all around us. Now if it is true that God is alive, and interacting with all of us at the same time, through random numbers I can see a pattern that leads me to believe, that Mathematics can be a way to see what you can see with our own eyes. If Mathematics is of an isomorphism of reality, Math in itself could be a way to find those clues that God has left all around us. That day of Thanksgiving, I was following some random numbers, that I was getting over and over, and in my head number six was leading to bad things happening to me, or I should say negative things happening around me. Like getting a red light right, when the time was ending in six minutes, I dropped my coffee and they were playing the song number six. Let me give you an example of my theory: There is random numbers all around us at any given time, like the house number where you are walking by, the number you get the time you look at your clock, the last few numbers in the car odometer, the receipts you get every time you buy something. All those are numbers that changed constantly and if you have a thought that ends in a question like, "It would be a good thing or a bad thing to go back to Chile" and then right at that moment that you have that thought, you look at the numbers present around you, and in those numbers sometimes you will find a hidden pattern. I found out, and it may be just a coincidence but bad things or negatives things most likely happened in a six. I have been following those numbers lately, and that day for some reason number six was linked to bad things, and bad thoughts, that's why when you said Mike I looked in my watch, and I found out that it was 6:06pm and that for me gave was a sign of something bad. It was just a bad omen, and I shouldn't take it so serious you know. Is just some coincidence, but something bad at least not good it was really happening between the two of you. Something in those lines I said to her, and that was a great way to deterred the subject, because I could not tell her something like, "Oh that is a lesson that God gave me the other night. He told me that after these forty days I could still keep in touch with God, using my sensitivity, and those random patterns of numbers. That way we could talk through numbers, you know?" That would've been a good answer, I am sure. To say something like that would've been something totally beyond reason, and besides that I could not talk about God then. On my books that day I was exercising what God told me about patterns in random numbers in which Zero meant the beginning, neutrality, One it meant that zero has become all there is, so now you had a duality, two concepts: One being nothing, and nothing being all there is, and that gives the origin of number two. Zero and one now are two, but still one and the same, and when there is one and only one, there still nothing at all. That is the duality present in everything, and one of the properties of zero. Now you have number three because there is zero and one and two, so there are three. Three is when life hatch into existence. God explained me that sometimes what we believe that is our idea, in reality is not. We cannot think, every idea is God's idea, and in order for God to remember, God lives clues and symbols. Number three is a zero opened in halves. Now that is four, because you have now four digits 0,1,2 and 3. Once you get to four you have five, when you reach five is the moment when you have reached balance between nothing and everything. Where everything is represented by a circle, and nothing is represented by a square. That itself is a conflict that reaches balance expressed in the number five. Number five symbol is the half of everything represented by the half of a circle, and the half of nothing represented by the half of one square. That is number five. Now there is six digits 0,1,2,3,4 and 5 so you get to six. Six then represents the growth of nothing into something. Six represents when you became aware of your own existence, and is because that small circle in the bottom is part of a much greater circle-the Circle of Life. Seven represents nothing becoming something, where nothing is being represented by a square that is torn apart by an angle other than a 90 degree angle. Once that happened that square or pure nothing, has been changed forever, and that is the beginning of eternity. Seven is weird because you never know what you are going to get out of nothing. Something has been changed for all eternity, and then Eternity comes to existence, and Eternity is represented by number eight. As far as God told me when the random numbers fall or follow number eight means for me to leave whatever that is or was in God's hands, because eight is the highest state of existence for us, and with the consent of the Father and the Son, you reached number ten. Number ten means that you have reached a higher level of existence, a higher Plato and you can only reach that level with the consent of God through his son. Number nine is the beginning of the process of reaching a higher level, meaning it could be one or the other or reaches a higher level or forever vanishes. Number six is the beginning of something, and nine the end of something as it was. Number eight it represent that you have reached the balance between your body and your spirit, and from there only God knows where your spirit will go. Nine it could represent death. Number ten represents that through that process you have reach a higher level of existence, and that is not possible without God's guidance. So I think God told me one of those nights. That is why you only need to know how to count up to ten to reach the glory of The Heavens and understand God=Life.
I could not explain that to Sigrid, because it was forbidden for me at the time to talk about that, and at the same time I didn't want her to think that I have gone completely insane. Anyways I told her a bit about my way of thinking, and why I believed that there it was a living God. I told her that I didn't care what people said or believed, but in my world God could be anyone, and reality as we know it was way more fragile that what she could imagine. At the end I repeated to her, "God is alive today, and God could be walking among us, and how could you know anyways?" At that very moment while talking to her I pointed at a tall mature guy with white hair and I said to her, "What about if that guy was God, how would you know?" She replayed to me, "bologna." At that moment after talking for a while, we both realized that we have been talking about God way more than enough for one day, and we kind of stopped on our tracks right there. Right there was a moment where we both stud steal in the moment and the feeling of God presence I knew was strong. I could tell. At that precise moment I looked to Erika that was in her chair on the back seat, and even if we were talking loud especially me, she was deep asleep, and you could see the expression of peace on her face.
Anyhow I didn't want to scared her or anything, but while talking I told her that God was the one keeping things in order. If God didn't exist and matter acted anyway it wanted, we wouldn't have the illusion of a fixed reality at all. In that case solid could be liquid just by will, and everything would be chaos, and there would be no way for any spirit to exist. And remember that you only exist when you are aware of your existence.
At that moment in my life that was the kind of things that I was thinking about, and for some reason I had enough trust on her to open up a bit about the world inside myself. I wish I could tell her everything about it but I couldn't. The only thing I knew at that moment was that I was going through a very hard time, and I guess anyone who knew me could tell. And believe it or not, things were about to get even weirder.
Next day I woke up early in the morning, and I heard the voice saying, "Let's go!" I boot up really quick and grabbed my little turbo car, and on we went with no destination in mind. At least I didn't have a clue where we were going. I was just going forward and the voice was leading the way, all the way. One more time I was looking at myself as if I was seated on the passenger seat, because I was helpless. I had no control or saying on my actions. At that moment on my mind God was in complete control of my will. After a long ride I ended up in a big parking lot, and out of the blue I did something that I was really good at it when I was a kid. I claimed a wall and started walking on top of it. I don't know how, but I got inside of a warehouse-a tire store of some sort-and I got inside in a very sneaky way. In this store I found over some metal shelves a paper with cocaine in it. Must have been at least like ten grams, all together in a pile, with a line ready to be snort on the side. Right at that moment I heard the voice saying, "If everybody was doing what they were supposed to be doing, this whole world would be a complete different place. This world will be what I intended it to be or else!" At that moment I looked up and, I saw and old guy holding gently by the shoulder to a younger guy, that for the look in his face he was ready to kill me. Both of them looked at me, but they just looked at me, and then looked at the cocaine, and back at me again. I just left that place claiming the wall and walking on top of it, just the way I came in. Walking through the thin wall I got back to the parking place where my car was, and I got in my car and left. After a little driving around it was lunch time, and I stopped in an all you can eat buffet. I knew most likely that was going to be the meal of the day, but before I got inside the restaurant I blessed the place, and as I sat down inside I blessed the food, all the food in the restaurant, and all the water. That day was a nice day. I spent the whole time just driving around and visiting different places. I don't know how many places I went and I just got inside like if it was my house, and nobody stopped me or asked me where I was going. In all those places I saw people not doing what they were supposed to be doing, and I heard the same comment over and over, "If they were doing what they were supposed to be doing, this world wouldn't be what it is right now."
That day I made it back home safely and after all I did, I was so surprised that I was not arrested for trespassing, especially when it was so obvious that I was not part of those offices staff. I remember that day I was wearing a pair of jeans and a blue T shirt-a T-shirt that a Peruvian lady gave me as a gift for doing such a job on her house-and I had my hair back in a pony tail. On top of all that I was really brown at the time, because I have been working out in the sun for more than a year. Anyhow I was happy to be home safe and sound that day.
After my usual shower with blessed water of course, I heard the voice saying, "Tonight we are going to revisit the story of Abraham and his son Isaac." I got my clothes on, I made my bed, and right after I went to the living room. I sat on the floor like meditating, put my mind at ease, closed my eyes and the voice came on, "Abraham was a young man just like you, and no matter what he saw or what others did, Abraham followed me with his heart. At a point in his life after seeing so much injustice and atrocities all around him, he decided that it was better to be dead than giving in. At that moment because of his love to life, and everything around him, like plants, insects and animals I couldn't hide from him. His spirit was able to see beyond the obvious. He saw more than what the eye can see and at that moment when he was about to attempt against his life, I talked to him and I explained to him the same thing I am telling you. Then decades latter in his life, he talked about that experience publicly, after I gave him the okay to go ahead and talk about me. The first thing I told him was that his son could die, and he could fall into an imbalance greater than what he could handle. I told him as I said to you, if he didn't get things right there was the possibility of his spiritual son dying, and him getting lost for the rest of his days. I asked him, "Are you willing to risk the life of your son for me? Would you sacrifice your son for me?" God said, "Like you know I was not talking of his sons or daughters, I was talking about his spiritual son, just like I am doing with you right now. When the bible says I ask him to sacrifice his son, it was not his son Isaac. I would've never asked for a human sacrifice, not even an animal sacrifice. What I told him is the story of the Father and the Son, the same old story I am telling you. I don't know why old farts like me like to repeat stories over and over, but I do."
Once upon a time there was a man who loved and respected the teachings of God. This man loved listening to ancient wisdom stories that had been passed on from generation to generation. This man grew up strong in spirit, and when he reached maturity, he went through a process of multiplication just like you. He thought that he had fall into madness, and the ones around him thought that he has been taken over by evil spirits, but what he was going through was no madness. What was happening to him is the same phenomena you are experiencing, and that is your spirit has reach maturity, and with my blessing the spirit has started mitosis. In a way it was me getting closer to him, because he has gotten closer to me. There is a point when a human regardless of gender reached the point where the spirit gives birth to an offspring. Let me tell you that there is no life created in this Universe that is not my offspring, every child is my child. You are undergoing the same process, and your spirit is being ripped apart and torn into two. You are becoming two, but remember that we are talking about your spirit. At a point every spirit goes through this process and this process happens naturally, and especially to those who follow me by heart. To explain it in a way you could understand, I have to simplify it almost to bare bones, but this is what happens: Every woman is a spirit that has reached the point where multiplication has become one of its talents. In spirit, me plus a spirit in a higher level can make multiplication happen, that's why I do say that I am the Alpha, and every single woman is rightfully mine. I am the strongest and no human male is a threat for me, not even if they blow this whole planet, not even this whole star system, still they are nothing to me. Women in a way are my body on earth, and males like you, are my hands on Earth. At least that is how I intended to be so, and there comes into place the path that a man must walk, in order to rightfully take my name. In spirit a woman is ahead in evolution, and their spirits are closer to me than any human male. Women are spirits that when they get close to me life as you know it happens. In your case as a male you are behind in importance, and there is where in spirit children become first, then woman, then man, and then animals. Remember the story of Noah? To simplify it for you, this is how life begins: Life begins first with a spirit and one of the properties of the spirit is that when they reach maturity they give a seed, they multiply, and as you grow up you must, "Grow up and multiply." First for life to happened there is me, God, and then my son, we are one and the same, but in one side of me as an intelligent been and aware of my own existence, this is how I walk through existence. The best of me I call it my son, and the knowledge that I use to survive I call it the Father. They are the two extremes of me, the best of me and the worst of me. I moved forward wishing for the best, so I can say my son is the one who leads the way, and if something is wrong or there is a threat, then the father takes over. The Father is the experience, the instincts, ant they are always there to help you navigate through life, as a father should be. The very essence of life "Survival first" and you, dimwit you are made to my image sort of. Talking in a simplistic way that is, so today as your spirits is being ripped apart in two, and give birth to your son, your spiritual son, is because you have reached the point where you know enough of evil, so you can put that knowledge behind and call it the father. Let the best of you lead the way, and the best of you call it your son. In order to keep things in balance I'm always there with you, and never forget being a child, because that is what you are, and what you will be at least for the next thousand years, talking in Earth time.
Remember this spiritual rule, "One, is no one." For you to get to this moment don't think that has taken only twenty eight years to get here, and instead of me visiting you, in all reality I am living you. Now you can understand that I am switching sides with you. Since you were born I have been by your side. I have been your father from the moment of creation. I rescued you from darkness, I brought you where I live, I brought you to the side of the light, and now as I did with you, you must do with your son if you want to continue growing. Take care of your son as I have taken care of you. Your son must lead the way, and call that North. You cover his back, and as a father be there to help him, and call that South. Be in the sidelines behind him, and in case of a threat take charge as needed, but let your son lead the way. To the East, I will always be there as your Eternal Father, and at the West will be my son, and together we walk through life as one. Remember "One is no one" You and I, we are one. Remember Women are ahead of you by a whole level of existence, and that's why they can take my name ten years before males could do. Women in front of me are born in spirit when they complete thirty turns around the Sun, "The Sun your other Father." Males are born at the very least after forty turns around the Sun, and both at the earliest age that they can serve Life=God is at the age of five after they are born in spirit. They serve Life as a way to say thanks, and give back to Life itself. I do not use, and I will never use child labor in my endeavors. Child of mine, understand that for you to exist, I have to be there with you, until you reach this point in your life. Once you became two and two became on, you can finally start walking in your own. Remember child of mine that you are in the Heavens. You don't have to go to heaven, because you are in the Heavens, and you are in my Home. Earth, your other Mother, is my home, look outside through the window of the kitchen, and I will give you eyes to see."
I open my eyes and I went and look through the kitchen window and I saw in the top of a hill-remember that I am in Miami, and there is no hills in Miami-but I saw in the top of a hill a golden glowing figure like the Egyptian Sphinx, and the color of it was just like the eyes of God-a very special golden glowing color. I realized at that moment that I was in The Heavens I was in God's home. I was still in Eden. At that moment it was revealed to me that Earth is one of God's Temples of Life.
God said to me, "As you are blind to see me, I am blind to see you. Those like you who recognized the link between you and I, are for me like a window into a dimension hard for me to see, but there is record of everything you do, and everything you have said. I love you too son of mine, and good night. Sleep tight."